Yaoi?
by nimblnymph
Summary: Why does EVERYONE think the Saiyuki boys are into yaoi? Read and find out! Episode 19, a request from Crimson1! Thanks very much!
1. Yaoi?

"Holy shit...a city! A REAL city. THANK YOU!" Gojyo threw his arms wide, grinning up at the darkened sky in delight. FINALLY, after the endless miles through a desert wasteland, they came upon a full out city, complete with at least six different bars, about ten casinos and more hotels and strip joints than he could count.

"Wooooow," Goku breathed, eyes wide. "Hey, Sanzo, you think they've got any good restaurants here?"

"How should I know? I've never been here before," The monk answered sourly.

"Most likely they will, Goku," Hakkai answered as if Sanzo hadn't spoken. "The bigger cities tend to have a better variety. Maybe we could stay here a couple days, get our feet back. What do you think, Sanzo?"

"Hmph."

"That's a yes! That was definately a yes," Gojyo exclaimed.

"YAY! Food, food!"

Hakkai pulled up to a a relatively decent sized hotel and they piled out, Goku hefting all their baggage. The Jeep transformed int Hakuryu and they went inside, Sanzo pulling out the credit card from inside his robe.

The girl at the desk was rushing around, giving orders to other employees as she ran. She paused, wiping her brow and managed a harried smile. "Hello, and welcome. How can I help you?"

"Four rooms, preferably as far away from each other as you can put them," Sanzo answered.

"I'm very sorry, but we're hosting a wedding...a very BIG wedding. Some husband and wife went and had sixtuplets-,"

"Oh, my," Hakkai laughed.

"Yes, that's what I said. Anyway, all of them were girls and all the girls are getting married today," she glanced over at the packed common room when a champagne cork was shot off and cheers erupted. "Well, it seems sixtuplets run in the family and-,"

"Is there any end to this story?" Sanzo bit out sharply. "Four rooms, now."

"Well, I...that is to say...we only have one room available. But it's a suite!" She added the last on quickly when the death glares were leveled at her.

"I'm sure there's another hotel that can accomodate us," Hakkai said, the smile still on his face, but the tone was a little too dark for the pleasant expression.

"Um...actually, sir, this was the last hotel for the wedding. They came here after all the other ones were filled to capasity. It's a very, VERY big wedding you see..."

If anything the glares got even deadlier. After a bit, Sanzo slid his card over the desk. "Fine, but you better bring extra cots or mattresses or something."

"It's a king sized bed, so maybe...you...could...I'll bring them up right away, sir," she finished with a heavy gulp. She handed him four keys and he snatched them from her before storming over to the stairs.

Gojyo leaned over the counter and gave her his best smile. "Say, maybe you can tell a guy where he can have a little...fun."

"Oh, um, for the four of you?"

"Yeah, sure. Whatever."

"Well, the Ball and Chain might be a place you'd enjoy. It's a bar, but it's one of the nicer ones."

He winked at her and said, "Thanks, doll. See ya!" And followed the others up to their room.

>>>>>>>>>>

"WOOOOOOOWWWWWW!" Goku exclaimed, eyes wide and shining.

The room was truly deserving of such praise. Easily the biggest they'd had the whole trip and the nicest furnished. Workers brought in three more comfy mattresses and there was STILL enough floor space for them to stretch out on.

"I must say, this isn't as bad as I thought it would be," Hakkai said, exploring further. "Hey, a hot tub!"

"I call dibs," Gojyo shouted, making a run for the bathroom.

Only to trip over Sanzo's foot. "I paid for it, I get it first," he said coldly.

"Like hell! You'll use up all the hot water!"

"I've got to get your filth off me somehow."

"Why you stupid, pain in the ass, arrogant prick!"

"That's a pretty complex sentence for a stupid kappa. I'm impressed."

Hakkai grabbed Gojyo before he could lunge on Sanzo. "Now, now, he does have a point, Gojyo. But I'm sure Sanzo won't mind leaving enough hot water for all of us, won't you, Sanzo?"

Sanzo flicked him off before shutting and locking the bathroom door.

"Damn it, I bet he launches one off in there so we can't use it for an hour," Gojyo complained, flopping onto the bed.

"Ew, that's gross!" Goku said, sitting on a mattress and petting Hakuryu.

Hakkai smiled and opened the doors leading out onto the balcony. "Would you look at this view! It's amazing!"

"The only thing I wanna look at is some hot chick's thong on the floor," Gojyo called back.

"Pervert," Goku sneered, making a gagging face.

"Hey, just cuz you're an unsexed little runt doesn't mean I'm a pervert! I happen to enjoy women's lingerie. Call it a hobby of mine, if you will."

"HAHA! Yeah, you enjoy WEARING it! Why else would you have long hair?"

Gojyo was on Goku in a hot second, pinning the brat to the floor and making damned sure to grind his face into the carpet, giving him a red burn on his cheek. "Wanna say it again, monkey?"

Both jumped when the bathroom door opened enough for Sanzo to fire off six rounds in their general direction.

"FUCKING HELL! Are you even looking where your shooting?" Gojyo hollered.

"I don't really give a shit. Stop bickering or I WILL aim next time, right for you fucking heads!"

Hakkai came in from the balcony as if nothing had happened. Perfectly natural for people to be shot at in a hotel suite, right? "Well, at any rate, I doubt very much they have enough food for us. We should probably find a restaurant somewhere."

"Hey, that babe at the desk said to try a place called the Ball and Chain. Supposed to be a good place." Gojyo conveniently left off that it was a bar.

Hakkai narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "The Ball and Chain? Sounds kind of kinky to me."

"Hehe, I wish!"

"EWWWW! Nasty perverted kappa!"

"Eat me, ape-boy!"

"You wish!"

"Yeah, like I'd risk putting anything NEAR that mouth of yours! You'd bite it off thinking it was food!"

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WILL YOU TWO SHUT THE HELL UP?" The door didn't open again, but the shout was enough to make them cling together in fear.

Hakkai sighed and sat in a chair, shaking his head. "You know, between the two of you, you're going to make poor Sanzo die of a heartattack before he's thirty. Anyway, I guess we'll try the place out. She doesn't seem the type for, ah, THAT scene."

"Aw, you just broke my heart, Hakkai! And here I was kinda hoping she was," Gojyo drawled, shoving Goku away like he had a disease.

"HEY! Quit shoving and get your own bed," Goku railed, shoving back.

"Please, you two, I'd really hate to see Sanzo kill you both in such a nice room."

"Too late!"

Both Gojyo and Goku dove for cover as the papaer fan came down, beating them both mercilessly. And Hakkai sat back, petting Hakuryu with a little amused smile on his face.

>>>>>>>>>>

It was some time later before they left the hotel and found the place. They stood outside, looking at the carved wooden sign. The door opened whenever someone entered or left, letting out loud music and cigarette smoke.

"This is a bar," Goku said.

"Yep," Gojyo answered.

Hakkai let out another sigh. "Well, it's too late to go to any restaurant, though I really wish you would have told us earlier, Gojyo."

"Hey, sue me, the place sounded interesting! And she said we'd all like it."

"Whatever, so long as we can smoke inside, it's fine," Sanzo answered, for once backing Goyo up. He pushed the door open and the others followed.

Only to run straight into his back when he stopped inside the door. "What. The. Hell?"

Peering over the monk's shoulders, they all looked around the crowded bar. Full of men. Some of them dressed as women. And lots of them making out with other men.

"Um, Gojyo?" Hakkai asked with a nervous laugh.

"Yeah?" Gojyo asked slowly.

"What kind of place did the girl say this was?"

"She didn't EXACTLY say..."

"I see."

Goku pushed forward, brow wrinkled thoughtfully. "Hey, are those two dudes kissing?"

"It appears that way," Sanzo said slowly, pulling out his cigarettes and lighting up.

"Oh...OH! Wait a second! This is a gay bar!"

It was like all the sound in the room stopped right when he said that and everyone turned to gape at them. Sanzo's teeth were grinding and his fists were shaking with the effort not to kill the brat. Hakkai and Gojyo began backing out when some rather meaty looking guys grabbed beer bottles and smashed them on the counter into sharpened points.

"You stupid fucking monkey!" Sanzo shoved them out the door, slamming it shut when the bottles were thrown at them.

They went straight back to their room, shutting the door and collapsing on the beds, exhausted from traveling and still hungry.

"So, wanna tell me why the girl at the desk recommended a gay bar?" Sanzo demanded, lighting another cigarette.

Gojyo followed suit and blew the smoke in the monk's generally direction. "How the hell should I know? I wasn't the one putting off the vibe!"

"Are you implying I was?" The question was cold and was daring him to answer.

"I never really thought we came across that way," Hakkai mused.

They were all silent for a long time. Goku shifted and finally broke the silence. "What about that shower thing?"

Hakkai blinked, confused.

"Well, when you and Gojyo-,"

"For the love of God, we HAD to share a shower cuz his royal fuck-face here hogs all the hot water," Gojyo exploded.

The gun was out and leveled at his head. "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you well. What did you just call me?" Sanzo snarled.

"You heard me well and good!"

"Yeah, but what about when Hakkai-," Goku interupted.

Hakkai covered his eyes, smiling and shaking his head. "Goku, I've explained this to you four times now. I dropped the soap. I was picking it up. And if what you saw through the steam LOOKED to be something else, I'm sorry, but it wasn't. I'm very straight."

"Yeah, but..."

Hakkai lowered his hand, arching a brow. "But, what?"

"Well, you like to cook and stuff..."

"I get a lot of practise feeding you. And since when is cooking considered a gay activity?"

Goku sat back, biting his lower lip and looking puzzled.

"And if you're going to split hairs, what about you and Gojyo?" Hakkai added, his voice a little sharp.

"Huh?" Both said, shocked.

"Constantly bickering, using any excuse to wrestle. Looks to me like you two are flirting with each other."

"LIKE HELL!" Gojyo shouted.

"AS IF!" Goku hollered at the same time.

Hakkai shrugged and smiled, sitting back.

"I wouldn't flirt with that monkey if he was the last chance I had of getting laid again!"

"Fine, not Goku. What about Sanzo?"

Sanzo choked on his cigarette. "Fuck off, Hakkai, I'm not getting involved with this."

"You seem to have a penchant for beating the two of them. A fetish, perhaps?"

For the first time anyone could remember, the priest aimed the gun on Hakkai. "Keep talking, pretty boy."

"Hey, that's an idea," Gojyo joined in. "Only put Hakkai in where you had me! You two are always so chummy all the time. Maybe she was picking the vibe up off of you two!"

Two pairs of eyes, one emerald the other violet, turned on him slowly and with the threat of pain in them.

"Definately the kappa," Sanzo sneered.

"Mm, I agree. He tries too hard to flirt with the ladies," Hakkai added.

"WHAT! I'm totally real with them! What about Goku, he doesn't even notice the broads!"

"HEY! Just cuz I don't act like a pig and drool all over them doesn't mean I don't notice," Goku shouted back.

"Maybe you and the priest are getting cozy at night! Wouldn't surprise me with the way they train them at the temples!"

"Dead. You're very dead!"

"Not if I get him first," Goku shouted at Sanzo.

"You could try. I'll kill you, too."

Any further argument was interupted by a knock on the door. Hakkai answered it and spoke with the person there for a few minutes before shutting it.

He resumed his seat but didn't say a word. Instead, he stared very fixedly at the floor.

"Who was it?" Sanzo asked.

Hakkai was tapping his fingers against the chair, a little smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "That was the hotel manager."

"And?"

"He was asking us to keep the lover's quarrel down because it was disturbing some of the other guests."

No one said a word for a very long time.

Gojyo broke the silence first and said what everyone of them was thinking, "Oh, shit."


	2. Experimentation

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is a continuation of my fic Yaoi. You can still read this as a separate story and have it make sense, but it's sooo much funnier if you've read the first one! I was going to put this as a second chapter...but decided it did better as a stand-alone one shot! Okay, on with the show!

* * *

Gojyo sat backward in his chair, glaring at the table. Goku sat across from him, doing the same. Neither of them wanted to talk to each other and any time one would glance up to see if the other was looking, they'd quickly look away again.

Finally, Gojyo pushed his hair back and said, "It's your fault, all of it!"

"Uh-uh! No WAY you're blamin' this one on me," Goku shot back, picking his head up off the table.

"It is SO your fault! You were the one asking questions-,"

"And you were the one to answer them!"

They glared for the space of a few seconds then looked away again.

"Maybe we should blame this on Hakkai," Gojyo suggested. The person now being blamed wasn't in the room currently to refute that statement. He and Sanzo had left very shortly after...The Thing.

Goku instantly perked right up. "Yeah, it's his fault cuz he never knocks before entering!"

"Yeah, that's about right."

"Yeah."

* * *

FLASHBACK TO WHAT STARTED THIS ODD CONVERSATION...

It had been pouring like hell when they arrived to the town. The only people out were the fishermen getting ready for a big catch in the rain. Sanzo and Hakkai were as usual sulking. Gojyo and Goku were as usual dealing with it.

"How can I help you?" the boy at the counter asked as they trudged puddles and mud on the floor.

"Four rooms," Sanzo said sharply.

"We don't actually have four rooms available, sir," the boy continued pleasantly.

"Then tell your mother to stop whoring for one night and make room," Sanzo snarled.

The boy's eyes went wide and he looked about ready to cry.

"Damn it, Sanzo, you didn't have to go that far," Gojyo lashed out.

A soft click of a safety going off was the only answer he got. And it was more than efficient to keep his mouth shut.

"How many rooms do you have exactly?" Hakkai asked. While he didn't look to be in the mood to deal with this, at least he was polite about it.

"I-I have two," the boy stammered, eyes still all shimmery.

"Fine. Hakkai's with me."

"But, Sanzo, I don't wanna share a room with Gojyo! He talks in his sleep," Goku complained.

"And you fart in yours," Gojyo shouted back.

"SHUT UP OR DIE!"

That was one way to end an argument. Normally, the two would have kept bickering anyway, but they knew better than to push Sanzo on a rainy day. They also knew he was an expert shot and that they couldn't outrun a bullet whizzing for their heads.

The boy quickly threw two keys on the counter and ran away, sniffling. Sanzo snatched one and Hakkai followed him silently up the stairs.

Gojyo and Goku both exchanged glances and then dove for the key.

"It's mine! I got it first," Goku shouted.

"I'm older and therefore more responsible! Gimme the key," Gojyo ground out through clenched teeth.

"NO WAY! LEMME GO! OWOWOWOW!"

Gojyo got him in a headlock and was pummeling him in the kidneys. Not too hard, he didn't really want to kill the kid, but it was hard enough to make Goku forget about the key and try to get free. Once the key hit the floor, Gojyo snatched it and sprinted for the stairs, laughing as Goku tried to make up ground. He got to the room first and began fumbling for the lock.

Goku slammed into him, driving him to the ground and making a grab for the key. "Come on, Gojyo, I got it first and you know it!"

"Kiss my tight white ass!"

Both let out rather high pitched squeals at the gun going off, the bullet sinking into the floor not even a half inch from their head and still smoking.

Sanzo stood over them, robe tied down around his waist and practically foaming at the mouth. "I swear to God, if you open your mouths at all tonight, I'll do worse than kill you," he bit out sharply, eyes twitching angrily.

"O-okay," Gojyo stuttered, backing away from the pissed off monk. The gun stayed trained on them as they opened their door and went in.

The last thing Sanzo said before lowering the gun was, "And they wonder why people think we're gay."

Gojyo and Goku had heard him, but with the current angst, they weren't going to argue it yet. Instead, they held a private bitch session in their room.

"Can you believe that prick? 'They wonder why people think we're gay'. It couldn't be because His Holiness looks like a porno mag pinup in his leather," Gojyo railed, keeping his voice low.

"Yeah, plus, I don't even like men," Goku added, flopping onto one of the beds.

"You don't like women either," Gojyo remarked. He pulled out his cigarettes and lit one, inhaling and letting it out slowly.

"Who says I don't?" Goku shouted.

"Keep it down, stupid ape! You really wanna get shot at AGAIN tonight?" Gojyo hissed, glancing at the wall separating the two rooms. It looked thick enough...maybe it could stop a bullet. He didn't want to really test that theory though.

"Well, I never said I didn't like girls! I like tons of girls!"

"Oh, really? Name one."

"Um...uh, there was that one...wait, she was kinda weird. Okay, how about...no, I dunno her name..."

Gojyo grinned, laying out on his bed. "Just as I thought. I bet you've never even kissed a girl before!"

"Well how could I? I live in a friggin temple, and they don't have girl monks," Goku pouted. He was quiet for a moment while Gojyo chuckled. Then, he asked, "Hey, Gojyo?"

"Hm?"

"Have you ever...?"

Gojyo arched a brow and gave the kid a long look. "What, you thought all this time I was some good little virgin playing jump rope and hopscotch with the girls? You really are a fucking idiot!"

"No, that's not what I meant!"

"Then say what you mean and don't imply what you don't mean," he snapped.

"Huh?"

He sighed and rolled over on his side. "Never mind, it was too complex a sentence for your iddy little monkey brain. Just spill it already."

"Have you ever done it...with a guy?"

Gojyo sat up and threw his pillow at Goku. "What the hell is your problem? As if I would let another guy stick his dick in me!"

Goku looked away, embarassed.

"Okay, so there was that one time when I was really, really drunk, but I was doing the fucking, not him!"

Goku grinned wickedly. "Pervy water sprite! I knew you loved men!"

"Hey, I don't love men...I only like them. I love the ladies," Gojyo lay back down, closing his eyes. "Besides, can I help it if some dudes are prettier than the women with them?"

"So...what's it like?" Goku asked softly.

Gojyo sat up again, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. "Huh?"

"What's it like...with a guy?"

"Why do you wanna know?"

"I'm just curious and you're the only one I know who knows! So, tell me!"

Gojyo snorted and tossed his hair. "I can't really explain it. You'll just have to figure it out on your own, dumb ass!"

Goku tucked his knees up under his chin and looked away glumly.

Sighing, Gojyo stood up and went to sit next to him. "Okay, you really wanna know?"

Smiling again, Goku turned to face him with his legs crossed and nodded eagerly.

"The first thing you need to understand is that you don't kiss a dude the same way you kiss a chick," Gojyo explained.

"You don't? How come?" Goku asked, brow furrowed in confusion.

"You just don't, okay? Women's mouths are soft. Guys have soft lips but they don't have soft mouths. So, no kissing like he's a barmaid."

"Okay. But...well...I've never..."

Gojyo smacked himself in the head. "You've never even kissed a girl, have you?"

"Uh-uh."

Sighing again, he crooked a finger and motioned Goku closer. "Come on, let's just pop this cherry real quick and get on with it."

Goku looked a little suspicious but he leaned in all the same.

Gojyo held the back of the kid's head with one hand and pressed his lips to Goku's. And then he decided to be a total prick and held him in place so he could jam his tongue down his throat. Goku choked a little, arms flailing wildly as he was caught off balance and went spilling right across Gojyo's lap.

"Hey, the rain's stopped and-oh! Oh, my! Uh...sorry, I didn't...whoa!"

Gojyo yelped and shoved Goku over the other side of the bed, glaring death at the complete shock written all over Hakkai's face. Sanzo was standing right behind him, so surprised his cigarette dropped right out of his mouth, still unlit, and hit the floor, rolling into the room.. It wasn't often the monk was stunned into silence. This was one of those times.

"What the fuck? Can't you even knock, Hakkai?" Gojyo shouted.

"Ow, my head," Goku groaned, sitting up and rubbing his head.

Gojyo covered his eyes when he realized the other two thought he was making a reference to way below the neck and their eyes looked ready to fall from their heads. "We'll just...leave you two alone," Hakkai said slowly, backing out and shutting the door.

"Lock the fucking door next time, morons," Sanzo's voice drifted through the door.

"Hey, does he think we...," Goku began, staring at the door.

"Yeah," Gojyo answered.

"Oh, shit! He's never gonna let me sleep in his room again!"

"Probably not."

"You don't think Hakkai thinks...?"

Gojyo shook his head and got off the bed, picking up Sanzo's cigarette and lighting it. "He thinks so now."

Goku flopped back onto the floor and groaned. "This is all your fault!"

"MY fault! Like hell!"


	3. Feeling Lucky?

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Okay, there's a reference to DSL in here. Since this is pretty dirty and full of the F-bomb as it is, I decided to take it easy on SOME of the details. If you don't know what it means and really, really REALLY want to know, email me and I'll give you a crash course. But, since this is Sha Gojyo's POV, you can expect it to be pretty raunchy...

Also, this is another one in the whole Yaoi series. It takes place after Experimentation, which, to sum it up in case you haven't read it, ends with Gojyo and Goku kissing...but NOT for the reason you think! I didn't add this as a chapter because, again, it makes for a seriously hilarious stand alone. I'm STILL laughing my ass off over this one!

* * *

Gojyo jammed his hands in his pockets, shoving his shoulder into the door and out of the inn. Goddamn fucking Hakkai! Dumb fucker, with his stupid smile and his stupid looks! He'd expected it out of Sanzo after that one little misunderstanding, but Hakkai? He was the gayest out of all of them combined, and HE was giving Gojyo the weird looks? Fuck that! He pulled his cigarettes out, lit one and blew an angry stream into the chill night air. So, he got caught giving Goku his version of the birds and the bees. So what? He didn't need Hakkai acting like some fucking psychiatrist. Asking all those lame-ass questions and offering to listen if he was having problems. How many different ways did he have to say it? Sha Gojyo was STRAIGHT!

So, how to prove it to that smarmy bastard? If he brought back four (or five, depending on what the market looked like) women to the inn and slept with them all, Hakkai would only say he was overcompensating and should really just learn to accept himself. Maybe only one or two women...yeah, that way he was proving an interest without looking desperate. He could always find four (or five) women in the next town. He glanced up and down the road for a bar, a corner, some place with shady lighting...and found the perfect place to go! The local strip club. Sweet!

Gojyo went over, smiling a greeting to the big guy sitting by the door. He loved making fun of the bouncers, looking all badass in their leather and tattoos. Sorry, any guy who has "mother" tattooed on their arm is either a wimp or has a thing for mommy's lovin'! Either way, he was gonna get his ass kicked in a fight. He walked in, stamping the mud off his boots and looked around. The place was a decent size, not too crowded but not dead either. Three chicks were on stage, and only one was worthy of his attention. Big round ass, long dark hair. Yeah, definately had DSL going on, too. She was the lucky lady tonight.

He took a seat on her side of the stage, slouching back with his legs out before him, slightly apart. He caught her eye, gave her his best smile and winked. She smiled back and twirled to show off that hot ass of hers. Pulling out the wad of cash from his front pocket, he made sure to flash enough of it to really get her attention.

The girl caught sight of the green and went on her hands and knees, crawling over to the edge of the stage, breasts pushed together, tongue flicking over her full lips. "Hey, sexy," she purred, eyes watching his cash more than anything else.

"Hey, yourself," Gojyo slipped a bill between her breasts, making damn sure to cop a feel while he was at it.

She laughed and said, "Oo, you're a naughty one, aren't you?"

"Naughtiest bastard in the room, I can guarantee it."

"Is that so?" She stood up again, swinging around the pole, ankles locked around it so that she hung upside down, hair trailing over the stage. He shifted position in his chair to be more accomodating. Holy shit...

"When's your shift done?" he asked, pulling off a few more bills. Just like he thought, she was watching the money. He'd guessed she turned tricks the minute he saw her, and was he ever right.

"After this number," she answered.

"What are you doing later?"

Swinging down from the pole, she lay down, head over the edge of the stage. "You hopefully, baby."

He smiled and nodded. "Good answer." He slipped some more money into her non-existant top and finished watching the show. Hakkai couldn't bother him now about that whole incident, not after tonight! And he'd make damn sure they were both screaming their fucking heads off, just to annoy the bastard for even hinting at such a thing.

* * *

Gojyo grunted when Chahna (the stripper) shoved him hard into the door to his room, ripping his shirt out of his pants. Oh, yeah, a real fiesty one! He could tell this was gonna be one hell of a lay. He fumbled behind his back for the door knob, twisting it and stumbling into the room. It was dark and he couldn't see, so they ended up tripping over the corner of the table, the rug and finally his unmade bed before landing on it. His hands moved up her back to her bra, mouth going lower on her neck. SO hot, so fucking hot...He could hear Hakkai toss in his bed next door and put a little more effort into his moaning.

Her hands were on the zipper to his jeans, mouth along his belly, doing things to his stomach alone that almost made him come. Chahna smiled when she noticed that and did it again.

"Are you just gonna tease all night, or get to work?" he asked. Not that he really cared either way...

"I'm getting there," she answered.

Gojyo pulled her back up. He just had to kiss those lips again before they were busy elsewhere. He kissed her hard, tongue almost down her throat and she moaned, fingers running through his hair. She dipped her lips back down to his throat, working lower again. Gojyo closed his eyes, hands on her shoulders. "Yeah, that's right...Holy shit, Hakkai!"

The shoulders under his hands froze. "WHAT!" Chahna demanded angrily.

Gojyo opened his eyes wide, suddenly very, very cold inside. Oh. Fucking. Shit. "No, I meant-,"

"You creep! What the hells is your problem, screaming your boyfriend's name? Go screw him if that's what you want!" She straightened her clothes and stormed out, slamming the door to his room.

Gojyo lay awake in bed for hours after that, completely shocked by what had just happened. He had just screamed his best friend's name. During sex. With the best looking chick he'd seen in a LONG time. And Hakkai was right next door and could hear everything. Shit, shit, shit,. SHIT! Maybe he'd gotten lucky (in another way, because the one he REALLY wanted wasn't happening tonight!) and Hakkai hadn't been awake. Yeah, maybe...

Gojyo knew the next morning when Hakkai wouldn't even look at him that he hadn't gotten lucky at all last night. In anyway whatsoever. This was gonna be one awkward car ride.


	4. Back Problems

Sanzo winced, rotating his shoulder to try and ease the cramping. Son of a...that last fight had pulled some muscles he hadn't known he had. Not to mention sitting in the Jeep, bouncing over the rough terrain for hours at a time, had taken it's toll on his back! He made a mental note to send any medical bills to the temple. Wincing again as he pulled his robe down around his waist and setting his gun on the table by his bed along with his cigarettes and lighter, he stretched out flat on the bed, trying to find a position that didn't pinch a nerve or strain a muscle. No such luck. Not that he was going to sleep tonight anyway. Gojyo talked in his sleep, Goku snored, and Hakkai would wake up at odd times with nightmares. He was screwed.

Hakkai looked up from his bed, book open and fingers poised to mark the spot in case he had to put it down. "Sanzo?"

"I'm fine," he grumbled.

"I thought monks weren't supposed to lie." This was said with a bit of humor to it.

Damn. If it wasn't bad enough all four of them were sharing one room (seemed to be happening a lot on this trip), he was stuck alone with the fucking mother hen! He shifted again, gritting his teeth at the shooting agony. "I WILL be fine, is that better?" He closed his eyes, intent on catching some sleep before Stupid and I'm With Stupid came back.

Hakkai folded a corner to the page he was on and came over. Sanzo opened one eye. "Are you sure you don't need a little help?" He asked patiently.

"What kind of help?" Hakkai was pretty good at patching them up. And he sure as hell wasn't going to get better by doing nothing.

"Well, I used to fix Gojyo's back for him when he'd been out fighting. I'm pretty good at it."

Sanzo was silent for a while before he rolled over carefully onto his stomach. "Do whatever you want. It can't get much worse than it is."

Hakkai laughed and took a seat on Sanzo's ass, legs to either side. He heard knuckles crack and then...

Blessed, blessed relief! Those hands...he grunted a little when Hakkai pushed down harder on his spine, finding just the spots and working them out. Then, there was a warm sensation moving with Hakkai's hands, melting into the soreness and easing it out from the inside, too. "Shit, Hakkai!" It took him a second to figure out Hakkai was using some chi.

"Sorry, does it hurt?" he asked, voice sounding a little worried and apologetic at the same time.

"No. Keep going, and harder." He could feel is abused muscles relaxing one at a time. It had been a while since he'd gotten a decent massage anywhere. He couldn't hold back a little moan when Hakkai started working his neck and shoulders. "Yeah...right there. Fucking hell!"

Hakkai was laughing at him, but he didn't care. He could take a little mockery for this. "You're really tense, Sanzo. That can't be comfortable!"

"It's not. Just shut up and keep going."

"No need to be so bossy." Hakkai's knuckles dug into a particularly knotted spot and this time he made a rather loud moan. Hakkai started laughing again. "If anyone were listening, they'd think something else was going on."

"Hmph, not my problem if they're a pervert," Sanzo muttered. He let out a hiss of breath when Hakkai found the spot on his lower back that had been killing him for weeks now. "Damn, that's it! Right there."

* * *

Gojyo came up the stairs to their room, humming to himself, a beer in his hand. He stopped when he saw Goku sitting outside their room to one side of the door. He was wide eyed and looking at the opposite wall like it had tits on it or something and was hugging his knees. He looked like someone scared senseless, except for the fact he was already senseless to begin with. "Yo, monkey boy, what gives?" he asked. He started reaching for the door to their room.

"You don't wanna do that," Goku mumbled, still staring unblinking at the wall.

"Eh?"

"Sanzo and Hakkai are in there. And I heard stuff."

Gojyo arched a brow, glancing out of the corner of his eye at the door. Then, he pressed his ear to it. Just in time to hear the monk go, "Shit, yes!" He jumped away from the door like it had bitten him. What the...Hakkai's laughter drifted out. Oh, holy shit..."Uh...how long have they been in there?" Let's see, Goku had left first, and he'd left at about four or so...that was almost six hours ago!

"I dunno," Goku grumbled, glaring at Gojyo. "All I know is that I heard noises and didn't wanna go in. And that was two and a half hours ago!"

Okay, so it wasn't the full six. But still two hours was really impressive! Hakkai...and Sanzo? And it sounded like Sanzo was the bitch? He listened again and caught some faint moaning. "Wow." He slid down the wall next to Goku. "Wow."

"Yeah."


	5. A Good Time With A Drunken Monk

They were the only two left in the common room at the table, both just barely able to hold onto their drinks. The crowd was cheering them on, shouting things and placing bets. Hakkai had decided not to join in this time, seeing as he would easily win. Goku was too young to. Those two were now in the room, either asleep or waiting to play clean up crew. Gojyo and Sanzo were drinking against each other, the red head having made some comment about monks and alcohol and the blonde responding in challenge. And from the glassy, drunken glares they were giving each other, neither one was prepared to back down.

Sanzo managed a sneering curl of lip, the usually arrogant expression ruined by the fact he was swaying in his chair slightly. "Stupid fucking kappa," he slurred, keeping one hand on the table to steady himself, the other holding the shot glass. There was a row of ten lined up upside down on the table next to him. "Just give up already!"

"No chance, purddy boy," Gojyo replied in an overly loud voice, arm swinging in a violent gesture that almost took ou the girls crowded around him.

"S'no way in hell I'm gonna give up!" Sanzo slapped away the hand reaching for his shoulder. Stupid women! Always trying to get in his pants! He was a MONK, not a man-slut!

"So? Put yer mouth where yer...no, wait...put yer...aw, fuck it, just drink already!" Gojyo downed his shot, burped, and flipped it upside down.

"Didn't I just say you were stupid? Can't even 'member a stupid quote!" He downed his shot, and very carefully turned his shot glass upside down, glaring at the bartender. "Another round!"

The bartender looked very frightened. He was holding an empty bottle of vodka like it was his security blanket. "Sirs...we, uh...actually I can't...serve you anymore...you see, uh, you're way above the legal limits and..."

Gojyo gave Sanzo a confused look, squinting to try and make the room stand still. "Whazz he sayin'?" he asked, The monk would know. He spoke monkey fluently. The thought of speaking monkey made him crack up, slapping his thigh.

"Dunno what he's saying," Sanzo muttered, head propped on one hand and eyes closed. People screamed as he reached into his robe and waved his gun around in the general direction of the bartender. "I can shut him up, though. Voice is annoying. Almost as bad as Goku's."

"Now, Sanzo, you really shouldn't be threatening the nice bartender with a gun," Hakkai's soothing voice cut in.

Gojyo leered up at him, falling back heavily in his chair. "Hey, it's our mommy! Whaddya want, Kai?"

Hakkai frowned at the rather insulting nickname Gojyo had assigned to him, but ignored it. They were drunk...again. They weren't accountable for half the things they said. And it wasn't as if this were the first time they'd refered to him as their "mother".

Sanzo actually snickered at the joke. "Fuck off, Hakkai! We're just tryin' to buy one more round."

"I think you two have had enough for one night," he said firmly, deftly plucking the gun from Sanzo's hand before a very bad accident happened.

A big mistake. Sanzo swung with surprisingly good aim for someone in his condition and punched Hakkai square in the jaw, teeth clenched and eyes glaring with something very close to hatred. Hakkai fell back a couple steps, fingering the split lip, hand coming away with a little blood. His eyes went cold and he could feel the rage screaming to be let out. He needed to calm down. Yes, calm down...they were drunk and stupid right now. He didn't need to be angry...

"Hey, Kai, why don'tcha go keep Goku company? Bet you two wanna get some time alone, huh?" Gojyo hollered, head rolling back against his chair.

One, two, three, four...Hakkai began to count slowly in his head. Just drunk...he didn't need to get angry over something so silly.

Sanzo flopped back down in his chair, glaring at the empty shot glasses. Then, with reflexes almost as quick as a youkai's he snatched one and flung it across the room angrily. It shattered into a million glittering pieces against the back of the bar. People were running from the inn in a panic. "What th' hell does a guy have to do to get a fucking drink?" he shouted at the bartender.

"Y-Yessir! Right away!" The bartender started to run behind his bar.

"No, they're done," Hakkai said sharply.

Violet and crimson eyes turned on him. Gojyo's were nearly lost in the bloodshot whites. It was a little eerie how his eyes seemed to be made entirely of blood. "Don't go tellin' me...oh, shit..." Gojyo leaned over the side of his chair and puked all over the floor.

Sanzo's smirk quickly turned to one of horror as he turned and joined Gojyo. He fell off his chair onto the floor, barely missing his own vomit and lay still, clutching his stomach. "Damned food," he muttered.

Hakkai sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "It's not the food, Sanzo, it's the booze."

"S'not the booze! Never puked once in my-," He cut himself off as he heaved again.

"Now is not the time to make up for that," Hakkai said. Shaking his head, he grabbed first Gojyo's arm and then Sanzo's straining to lift them to their feet. They couldn't stay down here all night, much as he wished they would. The room was small and cramped and didn't need to smell like the inside of a stomach full of alcohol and cheese fries. Turning to the bartender, he offered an apologetic smile. "I'm very sorry about this. If you can wait just a few minutes, I'll-,"

Gojyo shrugged himself away from Hakkai, giving him a disgusted look. "God, I don't like men, Kai! S'just back th' fuck off!"

Hakkai rolled his eyes up to the ceiling. "Why does everyone think I'm the gay one?" he asked of no one in that room.

"Pro'bly cuz you look all femmy, more like your mommy than your daddy I bet." Sanzo replied sarcastically, swaying and almost falling over on his feet. He was one to talk about looking feminine! And that comment about his parents was out of line. Hakkai was about to reply to that when Gojyo cut in.

"Yeah, plus ya don't even lookit all th' purddy girls! Just cuz your sister-,"

Hakkai didn't remember his fist going back and slamming into Gojyo's jaw. Or again when Sanzo was sprawled across the ground. Hands shaking, taking deep breaths to bring the calm facade back, he stared at the two unconscious men on the floor. That was uncalled for, drunk or not. Gojyo would NEVER say something so cruel if he were sober. And Sanzo NEVER would have made a joke about dead parents. It was while he was pushing those angry thoughts into the little dark corner he reserved for them that a terrible, wicked, almost evil idea popped up. And it would solve the problem of these two ever drinking this much again.

Turning to the bartender with a pleasant smile, he asked, "Do you happen to have a barn I might put them in for tonight?"

The bartender nodded, wide eyed and slack jawed, pointing with a shaky hand out the back door.

"Thank you." Hakkai grabbed Gojyo first, hauling him off by his wrists. Yes, this would work. They were too drunk to remember anything from tonight. He dragged Gojyo into a big pile of loose hay and went back for his other victim, smiling wickedly. If either of the two had been conscious and seen that smile, they would have been running for their lives. Now, he had to do this just right...

* * *

The first thing that filtered through Gojyo's head, other than the pounding headache and lack of memory from the night before, was that he was not in his room. He was in the barn. And it was cold. Except for the warm body next to him. He glanced down and...Yep, he was naked alright! Must have been one hell of a night if he ended up out here with a chick. Golden blonde hair tickled his cheek and he smiled, kissing the back of the neck exposed...hmm, she had awfully short hair. No matter, he thought, going hard at the thought of a morning screw. He snuggled in closer to get warm. And froze, eyes wide. That was no woman's ass he was up against.

The person next to him woke, groaning. He knew that voice! Oh, shit...no way he...oh SHIT! Sanzo blinked, picking his head up to look around, puzzled. He looked over his shoulder and his eyes almost fell from his head. "FUCKING HELL! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE!" He was quick to move away, grabbing his robe lying in a puddled heap nearby. In fact, their clothing was scattered all from the entrance to this pile of hay. Like they'd been in a hurry to undress.

Gojyo sat up, knees to his chest, propping his arms on his knees and hiding his face. He, Sha Gojyo, had just fucked a guy. Worse still, it was a monk. Worse than even THAT, it was Sanzo! "Oh, God!"

Sanzo quickly tied his robe in place, slamming his feet into his boots and scooping up the rest of his clothing. "We never speak of this to anyone. And you DO NOT talk to me about it! And if you ever, EVER touch me again, I will break your fucking legs off and jam them in your ass! Got it?"

"Fine by me and ditto," Gojyo muttered. "I think I'm gonna puke!"

"Hmph, I think I need a rabies shot. Gods only know where your dick's been!"

Gojyo for once ignored that, grabbing his shirt and boxers. Never again! He was never gonna drink again! He got up, pulling his tight jeans up and zipping them carefully. Shit, the stupid priest had gotten him hard! He groaned, rubbing his eyes. This was so wrong on so many levels!

* * *

Hakkai tried very hard to keep the smile from appearing too overjoyous. Those two...they looked ready to kill themselves. And neither one could look at the other. "So, where did you two disappear to last night?" he asked cheerfully, loading the Jeep with their stuff. Goku yawned from the back seat, blinking sleepily.

"None of you damn business," Sanzo snarled, taking the passenger seat.

"I was out," Gojyo answered, climbing in back.

Hakkai started the Jeep, glad the loud engine hid his chuckle. "Oh, did you have a hot date?" As if he didn't know!

"Shut up and drive," Gojyo groaned, leaning his head back over the side and closing his eyes.

Laughing still, Hakkai shifted the Jeep into gear and drove off. "Sorry, and here I thought you had a good time."


	6. Saving Sanzo

AUTHOR'S NOTE: First and for most...THANK YOU! Every day I sign on and there's STILL more reviews! That's really awesome. Okay, about this piece. This is the long awaited Sanzo/Goku piece. To be honest, I had one helluva time trying to find a scenario in which a Sanzo/Goku incident could happen. So, hopefully it works. If not, I'll just try another one! More fun for me! WEEEEE!

* * *

Sanzo sank back into the almost too-hot water, closing his eyes. This...this was heaven! They had finally found a hotel that had separate rooms for all of them, and it was silent. Just him, alone for a change, without those annoying assholes yelling and fighting and smiling all the time. Room service just brought up an ice bucket of beer and he could take as long as he wanted in the bath. Not that he didn't anyway, but it was so much more calming without a certain annoying red headed piece of shit banging on the door. And he could play the radio as loud as he wanted with whatever music he wanted. He turned it up louder until he couldn't even hear the people on the street talking. If an attack came, they'd at least have a sporting chance of surprising him for a change. Stupid fuckers and their "surprise" attacks! Some surprise if he could hear them coming a mile and a half away. His gun was next to the beer, and the sutra next to that, all within easy reach. They'd be dead and he wouldn't even have to leave the tub.

He leaned his head back against the make-shift pillow he'd made from a hand towel and sighed. He was so fucking tired...two days of almost non stop driving with a mothering maniac, a sugar-hiped monkey and a sex deprived kappa wore a man out! By the end, he was so exhausted he couldn't even summon the will to hit them with his fan. A good thing he had a gun. Lazy, but effective all the same. He drank some beer from the ice cold bottle and set it down outside the tub, rotating his stiff shoulder a little. Gods, he could just fall asleep like this...

* * *

Goku looked at the fourth plate of food, now thoroughly cold and then at the door leading into the restaurant in the hotel, frowning. Where was Sanzo? He was never late! They'd all planned on having dinner together at six. It was now eight. So where was Sanzo?

Hakkai and Gojyo were drinking beer and laughing at some stupid story the kappa was telling. They'd been at it all through dinner, Gojyo drinking a shot ever now and then to break up the rounds of beer. "And so, she says to me, she says, 'Oh, whoops, I'm just a clumsy little thing, aren't I?'" Gojyo cracked up at his own story.

Hakkai was laughing and blushing at the same time. "Yes, I would say she was rather clumsy!"

"Her mom was worse!"

Blinking, Hakkai said, "Her mom, too?"

Gojyo nodded, smirking. "Just as hot!"

Goku scowled. Nasty kappa! He hated it when he got drunk. Gojyo sober was stupid enough. Drunk, it was just gross!

"Oh, dear! How did the, ah, daughter take to that?"

Snickering and waving his empty bottle to get the waitress' attention, Gojyo said, "Can't tell that story with a kid at the table!"

Hakkai looked at the kid in question, the smile leaving his face. "Goku, is something wrong?"

Goku blinked and looked away from the door, biting his lower lip. Something must have happened to Sanzo. "I was just wonderin' where Sanzo is," he said quietly. He wasn't even hungry anymore. What if a demon attacked? What if he'd fallen into the toilet and couldn't get out? What if he'd accidentally SHOT himself while cleaning his gun? As more scenarios popped into his head, the more worried he got.

"I'm sure Sanzo's fine," Hakkai said reassuringly. He smiled and thanked the waitress as she brought another round of beer.

Gojyo's eyes were trained on her ass. "God, that's so fucking hot! You should go for her, Kai!"

Hakkai looked after the waitress, a faint pink coming to his cheeks. "Oh...that's okay. She's not really my type," he laughed nervously.

"You're right, she's too obviously high maintainance."

"Gojyo, that's not very nice! You don't even know her," Hakkai protested.

"Trust me, I can tell."

Goku stood up abruptly, grabbing the plate of cold food. The other two stopped talking and stared at him. What was wrong with them? Weren't they worried about Sanzo at all? "I'm gonna go check on Sanzo. You guys can stay here if you want, but I'm worried about him. He's late, and he's NEVER late!" He turned and left the restaurant with the other two watching him instead of the waitress.

They waited a few seconds before Gojyo slammed his still full beer down. "Goddamn monkey! Ruining my buzz!" He stood up, threw some money down and looked to Hakkai. "I'm not gonna let you sit down here and have fun while I check on His Pissiness!"

Sighing sadly, Hakkai chugged back his beer quickly, smiling when Gojyo's jaw dropped. "Okay, let's make this fast. I'll be the one pissed if I don't get a good buzz going tonight."

As they walked out of the restaurant, Gojyo nudged Hakkai and said, "Dude, you just downed that in two gulps! I'm impressed."

Hakkai's laughter trailed behind them as they went up the stairs.

* * *

Goku knocked on the door to Sanzo's room. He could hear loud music playing, much louder than Sanzo ever played it. He knocked again, much louder. Nothing, not even a death threat. Goku set the plate of food down in the hall way and tried the door knob. He jerked back when the door opened a crack. Sanzo ALWAYS locked the door! He nudged it open slowly, peaking in.

Sanzo's robe was on his bed, neatly layed out. A book Hakkai had loaned to him and his reading glasses were on the bedside table and his boots were at the end of the bed. "Sanzo?" he asked softly, stepping in further but ready to duck if the gun came out. He frowned, shutting the door behind him. "Sanzo? You here?"

Goku looked around the room. Where was the music coming from? And where was Sanzo? His heart speeding up a bit and his stomach churning, he went to the door at the other end of the room. It was the bathroom. The music was getting louder and louder as he approached. Was Sanzo in here? But why did he have the music up so high? Taking a deep breath and holding it, he pushed the door open slowly...And jumped back when he looked inside.

Sanzo...in the tub...eyes closed. Sanzo...he was...he was...DEAD! There was no way Sanzo couldn't have heard the bathroom door open! Goku went to the side of the tub, looking down. No wounds, no blood. Maybe he had drowned! Yeah, Sanzo was drowned by a youkai! What to do, what to do? He flashed back on something he'd seen Sanzo do once when a monk had been pulled from the fishing nets almost drowned. He could do it! He had to save Sanzo!

Goku leaned over the side of the tub and put his mouth to Sanzo's blowing hard against the parted lips. Two things happened at once. Two very bad things.

One, Sanzo's eyes flew open in shock. Their eyes met and neither one could move they were so surprised.

Two, Gojyo and Hakkai came in. "Goku, is Sanzo-oh, whoa! Hey, ah, hehe, guys! Um...whoa..."

"Holy fucking shit! Man...I'm gonna be sick!"

Sanzo shoved Goku away in disgust, sitting up in the tub. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING! ALL OF YOU, OUT!"

They all ran for the door as the gun was pulled off the floor and fired into the rapidly closed door.

Gojyo slid down the door, panting and clutching his chest. "Holy...shit," he panted. "Dude, learn to lock a door or something!"

Scowling, Goku yelled, "It's not what you're thinking, pervy water sprite!"

Grinning, Gojyo said, "Looks like you're the pervy water sprite, monkey-boy. Or would that be our dear Sanzo in there?" Gojyo rolled out of the way as more gunshots hit the door.


	7. A Cold Shower

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is the shower scene mentioned in Yaoi? Heehee!

* * *

Gojyo banged on the bathroom door again futilely. The shower still ran and the monk still ignored him. "COME ON, YOU DICK! IT'S GONNA BE COLD!"

Hakkai sighed, pulling his tunic over his head and laying it aside. "The more you bang, the longer Sanzo is going to take, Gojyo," he said wearily. He'd already told him that twice now. He really didn't want to say it a fourth time.

"Well, it's not fair! That stupid chimp took up a half hour in there, and now His Royal Asswipe is taking another half hour! I wanna shower BEFORE I eat!"

"I do, too," Hakkai continued in that all-too-patient tone. "But the more you gripe, the more Sanzo is going to ignore you."

Gojyo raked his fingers through his greasy hair, grimacing at the texture. They'd been attacked in the last three towns they'd stopped at and had been forced to leave without showers. That was almost two weeks ago. All of them smelled like some fat guy's asscrack and were grumpy about it. Scowling, he kicked the bathroom door for good measure. Goddamn monk! They'd drawn cards to see who went first. Goku had won (he knew he should have cheated) and was already downstairs eating his food, probably theirs as well. Sanzo had gotten second, followed by Gojyo and then Hakkai.

"Argh! GET YOUR LILY WHITE ASS OUTTA THERE NOW!" Each word was punctuated by another bang on the door.

Hakkai flopped back on one of the two beds in the room, staring at the ceiling. Half of it was blurry to the point of almost being unrecognizable. He'd taken his monocle off already, wrapping it up neatly in the headband he wore to protect it. He HAD been getting ready to jump straight into a nice warm shower...so much for that. Gojyo kept banging on the door, which was slightly more irritating than the idea of frigid water splashing on his body. "Gojyo, please stop that. It's not helping."

"It's not hurting, either! Well, hurting anyone but the prick in the bathroom! SANZOOO!"

The shower stopped. Hakkai sat up eagerly and Gojyo stepped back, fists clenched. They both stared and stared at the door. Ten more minutes later and Sanzo came out, a billow of steam following him. He was wearing his jeans, his robe folded neatly over one arm and a towel draped over his shoulders. And he was smoking, which meant he'd been out of the shower for a little while and had left the water running on purpose. "Fucking kappa, you should have listened to Hakkai," he muttered, pulling the cigarette from his mouth and letting out a stream of smoke from his lips. His hair was still wet but it had been combed out so it didn't dry funny.

"You...you heard? AND YOU STILL STAYED IN THERE?" Gojyo exploded, eye twitching angrily.

"Heard every stupid word, unfortunately. It's a good thing idiocy isn't contagious."

Hakkai frowned, eyes going a little hard. "That was awfully rude, Sanzo. Gojyo wasn't the only one you were screwing over."

Sanzo shrugged. "Complain to him. He's the reason your shower's cold, not me. If he would have left me alone for five minutes to relax, I wouldn't have stayed in so long."

"Relax my ass! You were probably waxing your legs," Gojyo snarled, whipping his shirt over his head and tossing it aside angrily, his belt joining it shortly after. He was almost to the bathroom, slamming his shoulder purposely into Sanzo's on his way by when...

Swoosh...CRACK! Sanzo's wrist flicked out lightening quick and snapped the towel against the middle of Gojyo's back, violet eyes full of sheer malice.

Gojyo jumped and spun around, hands holding the sore spot. "OW! YOU GODDAMN BUDDHIST PRICK! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR!"

"For being an idiot! There's about two minutes of hot water left, so I suggest stop running your mouth and start running the shower!" He turned his back again, unlacing the sides to his leather shirt so he could get it on.

Gojyo flicked him off behind his back and unbuttoned his jeans. Dumb ass priest! His eyes flickered over to Hakkai and then did a double take. Hakkai looked...really upset. He looked as if someone had just run over his puppy and then thrown the mess into his face before driving away. Hakuryu was curled up on the bed next to him and he was stroking the soft white hide absently, staring at a space on the wall. Gojyo knew him well enough to interpret that trance-like face as him calming down. No, he wasn't upset. Hakkai was PISSED!

The sound of the door shutting after Sanzo made them both look at it. Goddamn priest...if it hadn't been for him trying to be an asshole, Hakkai wouldn't be sitting there all sad and he wouldn't be standing here feeling all guilty. "Shit...Come on, Kai, get up!"

"Huh?" Hakkai blinked, giving him a puzzled face. Hakuryu picked his head up too and cooed.

Gojyo dropped his jeans and peeled his leopard print boxers off to add to the pile of his clothing. "Well? We both need a shower. Besides, it isn't like we haven't had to share a shower before." He was refering to that one cold-as-fuck winter where the pipes had frozen and they'd been forced to taken sponge baths with boiled water.

"Gojyo, are you sure? I mean, it IS your turn after all..."

Rolling his eyes, Gojyo said, "Look, stop acting like a nervous virgin! I've already seen your shit, so there's nothing to be embarassed about. And it makes sense for both us to get a minute of hot water than one of us getting it while the other freezes. Plus...I kinda owe you for picking on Sanzo like I did. So, are you in or not?"

Smiling, instantly mollified, Hakkai stood up and stripped down, too. "Thanks, Gojyo."

"Hey, no problem. Just don't spread it around I shared a shower with a dude, okay? I DO intend to get laid while we're here."

Hakkai laughed and shut the door after them, automatically grabbing two slightly damp towels and setting them on the closed toilet lid near the tub. Gojyo cranked the hot water on as far as it would go and jumped in quickly, Hakkai close behind him. "Oh, shit! That fucking monk lied! It's FREEZING!" Okay, so it wasn't exactly freezing, but it was barely luke-warm.

"Whoa!" Hakkai jumped a little when the less-than-warm water hit him, waiting patiently while Gojyo got his hair soaking wet, pushing it back out of his face.

"I'm gonna kill him, I swear to God I am," Gojyo muttered, pressing himself up as close to wall as possible so that Hakkai could squeeze through without touching. It didn't work perfectly (just a minor sword fight) since the tub was really narrow, but close enough. While Hakkai got his hair soaking wet and washed his body off, Gojyo shampooed his hair, working it in as thoroughly as he could. Was the water even cutting through the grease? He hoped so! His hair was his pride and joy. Well, maybe not his joy. THAT was a little lower!

"God, it's so cold now," Hakkai said, teeth chattering a little. It was his turn to squeeze up against the wall so Gojyo could get the shampoo out of his hair.

Gojyo edged by as carefully as possible. The body soap was making the tub a little slippery. "Hey, sorry, Kai, but I'm gonna have to use you for balance," he explained, putting a hand on his friend's shoulder.

"Oh, by all means! I'd hate to have you slip and fall," Hakkai answered pleasantly, reaching back for the shampoo. The ice water splashed off his shoulder and hit Gojyo in the face.

And made a glop of shampoo drip right into his eye. Gojyo jerked back at the stinging, still holding Hakkai's shoulder. His foot slipped then and..."Shit...WHOA! Oh, FUCK!" He knew there was no way to avoid. There was a sharp rip as he grabbed the shower curtain to try and stop the inevitable.

"GOJYO!" Hakkai slipping and falling forward served to finish the movement, the shower curtain twisting around them both.

Gojyo lost his balance, falling through the shower curtain with shampoo still in his eye, dragging Hakkai down with him. He smacked the tiled floor hard and yelped, landing on his stomach with Hakkai on top of him and trying to get off quickly.

Hakkai slipped again on the curtain that he was tangled in and fell back in place. Realizing his body placement, he said, "Oh, sorry! Here, let me just...Gojyo, please don't squirm like that..."

He couldn't tell which hurt more, the eye he was frantically pawingat, the aching in his knees from hitting the floor or his prideat having fallen in the first place. He decided the eye definately was the more urget when he blinked, trying to open it and the air made it throb madly. "SHIT! IT HURTS! Damn it, Hakkai, it stings like hell!"

"If you can hold still, I'll get it out," Hakkai said over his hissing and cussing. Gojyo spit shampoo from his mouth and waited as a wet towel was dabbed into his eye. Hakkai was still on him, trapped by that goddamn shower curtain. He hissed when more shampoo slid from his hair into his eyes.

"Owowowowowowow! HAKKAI, GET IT OUT!"

"I'm working on it, but you keep moving!" Gojyo forced himself to stay still while Hakkai got most of the soap out of his eye and used his other hand to push his hair back and wring out any excess water and shampoo. And he did all this while still pressed up against Gojyo's ass..

When Gojyo could see again, he blinked and looked around the swamped bathroom. The curtain rod was bent in the middle, the curtain ripped and water pooling on the floor from the still running shower. And the door was wide open. Wait, didn't Hakkai shut...He saw why it was open at the same time as Hakkai.

Goku stood in the door way, just staring. And staring. He wasn't even blinking. Gojyo froze. Hakkai froze. And then Goku screamed, rubbed his eyes, foot slipping in the water as he tried to run away. He fell on his ass and then proceded to scramble out the door into the bedroom. "AHHHH! Damn! I"M BLIND! HOLY CRAP!"

"YOU STUPID CHIMP! It's not what you- aw, hell!" Goku had gotten to his feet and was out the door before Gojyo could finish explaining. Gojyo slumped forward, pressing his head to the tiled floor. Now would be a good time to die. The kid was probably already downstairs telling Sanzo what he'd seen. And he knew exactly how the monk would take it.

Hakkai shifted a little on top of him, trying to twist around and untangle himself. "Well, that was awkward," he said cheerfully. After a few kicks and some tugging, he had them free.

"Fuck you, Hakkai! That was more than awkward," Gojyo snapped. "Do you know what he's thinking?"

"Mm..probably that we're having sex. Don't worry, I'll talk to him. I'm sure once I explain what happened he'll understand." He got up and left Gojyo lying on the floor while he turned off the shower and began trying to clean up.

Gojyo stood and finished washing his hair in the sink. This was just great! He was never gonna live this one down. It irritated him that the monkey now had ammo to use against him. And he knew for sure that Goku WOULD use it, too. "Hey, Hakkai?" he asked.

"Yes?" Hakkai called from the bedroom. He was already dressing as if nothing had happened.

"You think Sanzo's gonna-,"

"Oh, there's no doubt in my mind Sanzo's going to give us hell over it," was the flippant reply.

Sighing, Gojyo wrapped his hair in a wet towel and muttered, "That's what I thought." He went into the bedroom and scooped his boxers off the floor.

It was an hour later when they finally came downstairs, still damp but at least fully clothed. Goku jumped up when he saw them and moved from his spot across from Sanzo, taking his plate and the seat next to the monk.

Gojyo smacked the kid's head as he went by. "Real subtle, dumb ass!" He and Hakkai sat down across from the two. All four of them couldn't look each other in the eye.

The slight quirk to Sanzo's brow and the smirking little curve to his lips was all the warning Gojyo had before the monk said, "So, the cold shower didn't help at all?"


	8. Why You Should Always Carry Scissors

It was a relatively quiet evening in the city. The hotel was nice, and they were fortunate enough to get two rooms this time. It had already been decided (actually, Sanzo had decided for them) that Goku and Gojyo were sharing a room, and Sanzo and Hakkai got the other. After the ensuing argument ("I don't wanna sleep with the pervy kappa!" "SLEEP WITH ME! Wanna rephrase that, chimp?") in which not only was the fan applied to both their heads, but the gun was fired, the Jeep was finally unpacked and everything put into the two rooms. All the food and supplies was kept with Sanzo and Hakkai and anything else...not much really...was kept with Goku and Gojyo.

Hakkai pulled out the little note pad he kept and the last of the pens he'd purchased a while back and began doing what he always did; make a list of supplies they would need to continue westward. Goku would most likely help him get all the shopping done. He'd seen Gojyo slip out 'undetected' (he really hated shopping, even if it WAS for his cigarettes and alcohol) and Sanzo...well, Sanzo never did the shopping. When Goku had worked up the nerve to ask about it once, the answer had been, "I pay for the shit, you carry it back. If you don't like it, starve to death, what do I care?" That had been enough to get Goku never to ask again.

He stopped writing when the door to his room opened and Goku ran in, grinning happily. "Hey, are we going shopping, Hakkai?" Goku seemed to take great joy in the task. Maybe because Hakkai always bought him food? Or was it because it gave him a chance to escape the evils of a certain paper fan? Either way, his enthusiasm for the task was exactly what Hakkai needed.

Smiling, Hakkai tapped the list he was making with the pen. "Just about done. I really appreciate you helping me, Goku."

"Aw, don't mention it! Anything to get outta here for a bit." Goku turned a chair around and sat the wrong way in it, waiting for Hakkai to finish. "Hey, Hakkai?"

"Hm?"

"Can we get some meat buns?"

Hakkai laughed, adding dried vegetables to the list. "I don't see why not." They would definately need some more of that powdered egg substitute that Gojyo was so fond of. And Spam. Lots of Spam. He grimaced at the thought of the canned food, but knew it wouldn't be worth the headache (not to mention the complaining) later if he didn't get it.

"YEAH! MEAT BUNS!" Goku rocked back in his chair excitedly, only to quickly grab the table to keep from falling.

Glancing over at the kid, Hakkai frowned, eyes narrowing as they noticed something different about him. "Goku, stand up, please."

"Huh?" He blinked wide golden eyes, confused.

"Stand up, please," he repeated.

Goku did as he was asked, brows furrowed. "What's wrong, Hakkai?"

"I think...maybe you've grown, Goku."

Blinking, Goku looked down. "How can you tell?"

Hakkai nodded toward the bottom hem of his jeans. "Those are too short for you."

"Really? I've grown taller? YIPPEE!" Goku jumped up and down excitedly, grinning so wide it nearly split his face in two.

Laughing again, Hakkai added new jeans for Goku to his list. Sanzo didn't need to know about it...and if he did find out, technically Goku WAS his responsibility and therefore anything he needed fell under Sanzo's domain to provide. He finished writing the list, adding on a box of cigarettes for Sanzo and two for Gojyo, as well as a spare lighter for inside the Jeep. One of them was always misplacing their lighter, and he was getting tired of lighting them up with a bit of chi energy. While he normally wouldn't condone or assist with the habit, things were tense enough without those two being deprived of their nicotine. Which reminded him...instant coffee. Sanzo had finished the last of it yesterday morning.

Putting the list in his front pocket, Hakkai opened the door. "Well, let's go get the card from Sanzo and get started. I want to try and be back before dinner."

"Sounds good to me!" Goku followed him downstairs into the common room where Sanzo was sitting alone at one of the tables, an ashtray with eight butts already in it and a glass of red wine sitting next to his paper. He stopped reading when they came up to him, staring at them silently. He had a fresh cigarette burning between his fingers and a vaguely annoyed look on his face.

"We're going shopping now," Hakkai explained. "May we please have your card?"

Sanzo reached into his robe and pulled out the little plastic card, handing it over. "Get that shampoo I like while you're at it. I'm sick of using that cheap-assed shit you've been using."

"Sorry about that, but they didn't have it the last time," Hakkai laughed.

"Whatever. If they don't have that, then don't bother. I'd rather wait until we find it than use the other stuff."

"Why, what's wrong with Hakkai's shampoo?" Goku asked, leaning over the monk's shoulder to read. Not that the boy had any real interest in the editorial column. It was mostly because Sanzo seemed to like it that Goku showed an interest.

Without even looking away from the page, Sanzo smacked Goku in the back of the head. "Stop breathing on me. It's disgusting."

"OW! You could have just asked me to move, you know!"

"Asking you to do anything only leads to me getting a headache. I'm not in the mood to deal with it."

Hakkai was quick to pull Goku away before the boy said something else to piss Sanzo off. "Let's hurry, Goku, or the meat bun stands will be closed!"

"Heaven forbid," Sanzo muttered sarcastically.

"Yeah, really! That would suck big time," Goku added, thinking his guardian was being serious.

Sanzo's eye twitched irritably. Oh, dear, that wasn't good! Hakkai started walking away quickly, knowing Goku would follow since he had the means to buy food for him.

"HEY! Wait up! HAKKAI!" Goku sprinted out the door after him, nearly colliding with his back when he stopped just outside the front door.

Hakkai smiled and got the list out. Now, where to start...?

Almost three hours later, Hakkai and Goku returned. Goku was carrying his new jeans in one hand and the rest of his dinner in the other. It had taken them so long to find a pair of jeans that fit small enough at the waist (though, they were far too long in the leg) that dinner had come and gone at the hotel. So, Hakkai had treated him to dinner out, with Sanzo's card of course. They carried the bags upstairs, Hakkai glancing into the common room to find Sanzo still in the same spot they had left him. The only change was that there was an empty plate waiting to be taken back to the kitchen.

"Let's take care of these supplies and then I can hem your jeans for you," Hakkai suggested, adjusting his grip on one of the bags he was carrying.

"Okay! Thanks, Hakkai," Goku answered cheerfully, bounding up the stairs ahead of Hakkai to open the door to his room. He thanked the boy, setting all the supplies down at the foot of his bed before digging through his own bag to find the little sewing kit he traveled with. It was running low on thread, but he should have enough for a couple more repairs.

"Let's take this in your room, Goku. We don't want Sanzo finding out about the jeans quite yet." Or how much they had cost. With as hard as Goku was on his clothing, Hakkai had made sure to spend quality money on quality product.

"Yeah!" Goku led the way to his room, practically skipping in excitement. He pulled out his room key and unlocked the door, holding it open again for Hakkai. It made Hakkai smile. Goku was starting to learn some manners, such as opening doors. Maybe there was hope for him yet! The door shut behind him and Goku ripped the bag open, pulling out the dark jeans and hugging them like they were a stuffed animal.

Hakkai pulled a chair to the middle of the floor and opened his sewing kit, pulling out several straight pins and sticking them along his sleeve for easy reach. "Put the jeans on and hop up, Goku. I'll just pin the hem and sew it a little later."

Goku was quick to comply. He stood very still on the chair as Hakkai tucked up several inches of leg, kneeling on the floor in front of Goku. "Hey, Hakkai?" he asked, glancing down from his new found height.

"Yes?" Hakkai asked absently, drawing his hand back with a quick jerk when a pin stuck his finger. Jean material was so stiff and difficult to work with.

"Where'd you learn to sew?"

Smiling at the inquiry, Hakkai said, "Well, living with Gojyo... sort of requires you know these things. If I didn't learn how to cook or sew, we'd be in big trouble."

"Oh. Okay. So when can I have my new jeans?"

"Just as soon as I'm done hemming them. Maybe tomorrow night, if Sanzo isn't too cranky and will let me keep the light on. Okay...there! Last pin. Please take them off carefully."

Goku undid the jeans and pulled them off, being very, very gentle about it. Hakkai was still kneeling on the floor and took the jeans from Goku with a smile...which faded when he noticed the enormous tear going from the inside seam of Goku's boxers. "Um, Goku?"

"Yeah?" he asked, getting ready to jump down.

"Did you know there was a hole in your boxers?" Well, 'hole' was putting it mildly. The thing went right up the inside thigh almost from groin to hem!

"Huh? Oh, yeah! It's been like that for a while. Sorry."

Sighing, Hakkai shook his head and pulled out some thread and a needle. "I really wish you would have mentioned it while we were out. You could use with some new ones. Oh, well, I suppose this will do for now. Stay very still, please."

Goku was confused for a second. Until he saw what Hakkai was about to do and then his eyes almost fell from his head. "Hey...be careful, Hakkai. Needles are sharp!"

Giving the boy a reassuring smile, Hakkai answered, "Don't worry, Goku. I promise I won't hurt you."

"Okay..." Goku still didn't sound entirely convinced. He didn't so much as twitch though the entire time Hakkai sewed up the gaping hole.

Hakkai finished tying the knot at the bottom hem and reached down into the sewing kit for the tiny scissors...only to find them missing. "What...where are my scissors?"

"Huh?" Goku asked, waving his arms to try and keep his balance. He finally stopped his almost backward momentum by steadying his hands on Hakkai's shoulders.

Frowning, Hakkai said, "They're really tiny little scissors, almost like toy scissors. That's odd, I know they were here a week ago..."

"Um...I think I know where they went," Goku said uncertainly.

Hakkai looked up, still holding the needle away from Goku's leg. Goku wouldn't look at him though. He was biting his lower lip and staring very hard at the wall to his left. "Goku?"

"Well, um...you see, Sanzo lost his nail clippers and...well, I didn't know what else to get for him, so..."

He didn't need to finish. It was very obvious what had become of the little scissors. Sighing, Hakkai looked at the thread and then looked up at Goku. If he pulled the thread, he ran the risk of it breaking and him wasting more thread to fix it. That left only one option..."Goku, please don't take this the wrong way. And please, for the love of God, do NOT move an inch!"

Goku had time for a quick, "Huh?" before Hakkai's intent became clear and he yelped, fingers digging into Hakkai's shoulders to keep from moving in any direction whatsoever. Leaning forward, Hakkai bit through the thread.

The door was practically ripped from it's hinges as Gojyo stumbled in with three women, all of who were in various states of undress. He had his back to the room, face buried in one of the women's necks and therefore didn't see exactly what was going on behind him. Goku turned to look...and in the process rocked his hip right into Hakkai's face.

The brunette woman slammed to a hault, staring at them. "Uh...Gojyo, honey?" she asked, tugging on his arm frantically.

"Yeah?" He pulled his hand out from her top and turned around, still smiling. That smile faded very slowly from his face and was replaced with something close to amused shock. "Oh...hey, guys...well, this is...awkward."

"Why's it awkward?" Goku asked innocently. Hakkai was very quick to push away from Goku.

Hakkai felt his cheeks go warm. There was no doubt in his mind exactly what his friend was thinking. "Gojyo, let me explain-,"

Gojyo smirked and began pushing the girls out the door. "You know, Kai, this thing here," he jiggled the chain on the door, "is a lock. And believe me when I tell you it works just fine!" He shut the door after himself, laughing, and left Hakkai kneeling on the floor blushing redder than red and Goku looking mightily confused.

"Huh? I don't get it! Why would you need to lock the door for fixin' my pants?" Goku asked, voice cracking as it rose slightly in volume.

Hakkai stood slowly and carefully packed the sewing kit back up. "Because, Goku, that's not what Gojyo thought we were doing," he answered as calmly as possible. This was...embarassing. To say the least.

Goku turned to look at him, the expression on his face clearly saying he was still completely oblivious. "Then what the hell else did he think we were doin'?"

"Given the position of my mouth to your body, Gojyo thought that I was giving you..."

* * *

"**_WHAT!_**"

Sanzo looked up from his paper, frowning at the shout that shook the windows of the common room. He knew very well it was Goku, but seeing as he just saw Gojyo leave with three women, he had no doubt it was because the slutty red-head had done something stupid. He pushed his reading glasses back in place and made the very wise decision to ignore that shout.


	9. This Goes Where?

Gojyo dumped the bag full of leather pieces, chains and locks onto his bed and frowned, pulling the cigarette from his lips to let the smoke escape his lungs. He'd done many a-thing in his time...never anything so kinky though. Still, the chic was hot. More than that, she was the fucking hottest woman he'd seen in ages. And after that little blunder with the stripper (Hakkai still couldn't quite look him in the eye), he needed more than ever to prove he wasn't into men. And she was the lucky lady to help with that...if he could get this shit figured out.

_"If you can figure out how this works, come on over to my room. If not...better make sure your hands are warm."_ That's what Lian had told him. And he was hell bent and determined to figure it out. Now, where did this piece go...He began sorting the different straps out by size, the chains in another pile and the locking pieces in yet another. Still made no sense once he had them organized. Okay, plan B...just start attaching things and hope to God it worked.

Goku was lying on his bed, petting Hakuryu. It was just before dinner and Hakkai and Sanzo weren't in the room. He looked up at Gojyo's frustrated snort. "What's that stuff for?" he asked, sitting up on his knees to see better.

"None of your goddamn business," Gojyo snapped, throwing the pieces he'd been working on back into the mess. He dug in his pocket and pulled out a hair tie, pulling his thick locks back tightly. Now that his hair wasn't in the way, back to work! This strap definately wove through here...and here. And it locked with this- no, this- piece. Scowling, he threw what little work he had down on the bed again. Son of a bitch! If it weren't for the fact they were in a small town that catered mostly to elderly people, he wouldn't bother with the effort for just one chic. But seeing as the last sex he'd gotten had been almost three weeks ago...he NEEDED a woman! And Lian was it. Stubbing out his cigarette, he gritted his teeth and studied the equipment again. It figures. The only chance he had of getting laid and she was freakier than he was! It would be so much easier if she would have given him directions, like they did with stereos. Or better yet, if she were here so he could build it around her. Yeah, if only he had someone who could...

His eyes flickered over to Goku, who was back to tossing Hakuryu in the air, making the little dragon squeal. "Yo, monkey, get over here!"

"Why?" Goku asked suspiciously, sitting up. He forgot he'd tossed Hakuryu, who had to do a quick little wing maneuver to keep from hitting the groun. Hakuryu chittered angrily and flew to the window ledge, preening his wings, tail lashing fiercely.

"If you help me out with this, I'll by you pot stickers for the next week." And tomorrow, he would conveniently 'forget' about it.

Eyes widening and getting a shiny eager look in them, Goku sprang from his bed and over to Gojyo's in a minute. "YEAH! Pot stickers! YUM! Okay, so whaddo I gotta do?" he was studying the many pieces intently, as if his little monkey brain could figure it out.

Gojyo looped all the pieces over his arm and neck, sticking the pins in his pocket. "On your hands and knees. I've gotta get this thing figured out."

Goku did as he was told, the eager look being replaced with a wary one. "Hey, Gojyo?"

"Yeah?" Gojyo pulled out the first strap, the one that would lock around the shoulders.

"Is this gonna hurt?"

"Dunno. Why, scared?"

"A little."

Smiling wickedly, Gojyo locked the strap in place and went to the one that would go around the waist. "And here I thought you'd do anything for food." He slid the lock in place and moved on.

Goku looked down as a a little leather covered block that was shaped to fit thighs was put between his legs, keeping them apart and locked on. "Well, that was before. This is really weird. And what if someone walks in...like last time?"

Hm, the monkey had a good point. Gojyo stopped long enough to lock the door, grimacing when he saw the chain had been torn off long ago. Oh, well, maybe the other two would take the hint. He went back over to Goku. "Lean forward."

"Huh? What the-OUCH!"

Gojyo chuckled softly as he fastened the little strap section made for a woman's body to the waist strap and then to the block. He adjusted the piece so it wasn't digging into the kid's groin. "Sorry 'bout that."

"Who the hell does this stuff?" Goku exclaimed as a collar was added to his neck, which had a metal loop in it to connect it to the headboard. Shorter chains attached to leather cuffs connected his wrists to his neck.

"How the hell should I know? All I know is that this chic bet me I couldn't figure it out. And I'm gonna prove her wrong." Gojyo grinned when he pulled out a length of leather that had a hardened rubber ball attached to it. This was gonna be priceless! "Open your mouth."

"Why? What's that-mmph! Heh, Go'o!" Goku glared back at Gojyo as the red head laughed and moved on. Goku continued trying to talk around the ball gag but it was all jumbled nonsense. Even if he didn't get this thing figured out, there was at least the knowledge he'd gagged Goku.

"Just think of all those pot stickers, Goku," Gojyo encouraged, attaching still more chains from the cuffs around the boy's ankles to the waist strap. "Chicken and beef and shrimp. And all that fried rice."

"S'op i'. Ma mouf's wa'erin'!" Goku begged, golden eyes wide and pleading.

"Mmm...I can taste it now, can't you? Oi, hold still a second. This goes...yep, like that!"

"OOOW!" Goku winced again, biting into the gag as Gojyo attached the reins to the choking portion on the collar and gave it a good tug to be sure it was on securely.

Gojyo lit another cigarette and stood back to admire his handy work. Yeah, it was much easier with a body to put it on! Except...he scowled at the one remaining strap, the longest of them all. Where the hell was that supposed to go? It was while he was pondering this that a key slid into the lock, fumbled a little and then slid home. Both Gojyo and Goku turned horror stricken eyes to the door as it pushed open and Sanzo came in.

The monk didn't so much as glance at them. He went straight over to his bed and rummaged through his bag for his reading glasses. He tucked them into his robe and began to leave.

"What, no comment?" Gojyo shouted, a little surprised the usually acerbic man had nothing to say.

"I'm used to it by now," Sanzo answered dryly. He began to pull the door closed. And before Gojyo could bite off a retort, he added, "By the way, that goes from the collar down the back to the waist, forcing the back to arch." He shut the door and locked it again.

"Hey, thanks man!" Gojyo did as Sanzo had said and nodded, satisfied with the results now. Yeah, that made perfect sense...wait, what! He whirled around to stare at the closed door.

"Di' he jus' 'elp 'ou?" Goku asked.

"Uh, yeah, he did," Gojyo said softly. The priest...was a bondage expert? What Goku said next summed up exactly what he was thinking:

"EWWWWW!"


	10. How To Stop A Perverted Kappa

**_THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD!_**

Hakkai stared at the ceiling, a hand to his forehead, unblinking and looking as if he'd just been hit with a club to the head. Sanzo was snarling in his own bed, sitting up, hitting his pillow and lying down again before rolling over and pulling out his gun, holding it like it was his one life-line to sanity. Goku was snoring softly, a pillow over his head and completely dead to the God-awful racket going on in the room next to them. And Gojyo...well...

**_THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD!_**

...Gojyo was in the room next to him making the God-awful noise. Hakkai closed his eyes, felt his cheeks burn up at the sounds now punctuating the thudding of the headboard against the wall.

"Ahh...Gojyo...yeah, baby!"

"I'm going to kill him. I swear to fucking God, I am going kill him tonight," Sanzo ground out, sitting up and clicking the barrel open. He rummaged around in his bag and came out with the box of bullets to see how low he was...and threw the box back when he saw he was almost out. Sanzo only had what bullets were in the chamber and in the box to last until they got to the next town, a two day drive from here. "Fucking son of a bitch!"

Hakkai's eyes widened as another female's voice began to join. Two women? "Oh, fuck me, yeah, that's it!"

**_THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD!_**

"He's been at it for three hours," Hakkai groaned, trying to ignore the impossible. How did the kappa do it? Two women, three hours...it surely had to be a record! Gojyo had been saying for the last week and a half he was horny, but this was ridiculous!

"Another one? How many women does he have in there?" Sanzo exclaimed as a third girl joined in the moaning, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, covering his face with both hands. "I'll strangle him. I'll strangle him until he passes out and then I'll cut his dick off. Maybe then we'll get some peace and quiet."

Hakkai sat up as well, shooting a look at the wall next to him when the thudding got louder and harder, vibrating up to the ceiling. "It sounds like he's about to break right through the wall. Sanzo, this is...ANOTHER ONE? Good grief..." Four women! How...where...he couldn't even begin to imagine (nor did he really want to either) what Gojyo could possibly do with four women.

"Goddamn it, this is insane!" Sanzo lit a cigarette, peering out the window at the quickly lightening sky. His glare flickered from there over to the still slumbering Goku and grew darker. "And how can that stupid as hell monkey sleep through all this!"

Hakkai tensed as Sanzo rechecked his gun for the fourth time. "Sanzo?"

"Just thinking...for now. You think one bullet right between the eyes will do the trick?"

"Sanzo, you're not going to kill him over this."

**_THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD!_**

"Gojyo, God, yes...right there!"

On second thought, maybe he should let the monk end it now. He was exhausted from driving since early yesterday morning, and Gojyo's extracurricular activities were grating on even his temper. Couldn't they at least have the decency to take it somewhere else?

Sanzo's teeth were grinding loud enough for Hakkai to hear them across the room. "That's it! That is fucking it!" The blonde practically ran for the door, clicking the safety off the gun as he threw the door open, letting it slam against the wall.

Hakkai was up and after him instantly. As much as he wished the nightmare of being able to hear his friend have sex would end, he couldn't let Sanzo kill him. Gojyo was still his very good friend, and they did need him on this journey. "Sanzo, wait! You don't want to do that."

"Like hell I don't!" Sanzo bit out sharply. He was so focused on the door next to theirs that he didn't seem to notice Hakkai had grabbed his arm and turned him around. "This has got to stop, and a good way of doing that is killing him."

"You're only going to waist what few bullets you have left. Just put the gun down, please, and let me handle this."

Sanzo hesitated only a moment longer before putting the safety back and leaning against the wall behind him. "You have five minutes to do whatever you're going to do. After that, I start shooting."

Hakkai smiled and nodded. "Fair enough." He went over to the door and knocked on it, waiting.

The thudding and the moaning stopped abruptly. "Is that your friend?" he heard Gojyo ask one of the women.

"Could be. I told her she just had to come up...Hey, where you goin'?"

"Gotta give her a proper welcome, don't I?" Gojyo's purring laugh filtered through the door as the lock was slid back and the door opened. He was shirtless, a couple of hickies on his neck and holding his jeans up with one hand. The wicked smile quickly faded when he saw Hakkai standing in the door way. "Hakkai, what the...?"

Hakkai smiled at Gojyo's shocked face and wrapped an arm around his neck, pulling the stunned red-head closer and kissing him right on the mouth. And he made very certain that it involved a lot of tongue and was very visible to all the women on the bed, who were gaping at them with almost the same shocked expression Gojyo had. As he drew back, he moved his arm lower down around Gojyo's waist, right above his ass. "Hey, sweetie! I was wondering where you- what is this?" He pretended to just notice the naked women all over the bed, giving them the coldest glare he could manage without cracking up. Even Sanzo was slack jawed, the cigarette he had just lit almost falling from his fingers. "Gojyo, what in the HELL is this?"

"What...Hakkai...Ladies, he's not..." Gojyo was too stunned to formulate a single coherent sentence.

"You know I thought you smelled like a whore last night," Hakkai continued, whirling around on Gojyo. With his back turned on the 'ladies' he broke out in a grin, which was answered with a murderous glare Sanzo would have been proud of. "It's bad enough you're cheating on me, but with FOUR WOMEN!"

"Wait...you're gay?" one of the women on the bed asked.

Quickly hiding the smile again as Gojyo's jaw opened and shut without anything coming out, Hakkai said, "He's been my partner for almost three years now."

"I KNEW IT!" the blonde woman shrieked, jumping out of the bed and grabbing random pieces of clothing to throw on. "I just knew he was too good to be true! No straight man can last that long! Come on, girls!"

Gojyo looked like he'd just been kicked in the groin. All the women glared at him as they threw their clothing on and shoved their way out of the room. "No, wait...it's not what you...DAMN IT, HAKKAI! Please, come back!"

Smiling, Hakkai crossed his arms over his chest. "I'm sorry, Gojyo, I don't think they're listening to you."

"Hakkai...you're one evil fucking bastard, you know that, right?" Gojyo said through clenched teeth.

Watching the balled fists closely, he stepped out of the room. "Good night, Gojyo. Pleasant dreams." He shut the door carefully behind him, grinning again when he heard the anguished cry from behind the door. The door jiggled a little as Gojyo fell against it and slid down to the floor.

Sanzo was staring at him, eyes a touch wide and the cigarette burning freely in his hand. "Shit..."

Hakkai laughed. "At least it's quiet now."

"Yeah, but...Hakkai?"

"Hm?"

"Shit..." It seemed that was all the usually verbose monk had to say about the matter.


	11. A Field Trip To Remember

AUTHOR'S NOTE: THANK YOU EVERYONE! I WAS gonna post this at 100 reviews... but there was a slight problem and FF woudln't let me post! HURRAY FOR BEING FIXED...wait...whoa, um forget that little outburst! Anyway, here is a new one, involving ALL the guys as a way of saying THANK YOU!

* * *

Everyone woke with a start as Hakkai pulled the Jeep off onto the side of the road, jerking it to a hault. The steaming sun was beating down on them, making little vapor trails in the air. To the right of the road was nothing but dry, dead grass and shriveled trees. To the left, right along where they were parked, was a small lake surrounded by thick grass and tall, heavily shaded trees. It was an oasis of relief in the dry wasteland.

"Keep driving," Sanzo ordered, closing his eyes again.

Hakkai gave him a pleading, exhausted look. "I'm sorry, Sanzo, but I don't think that's such a good idea. We're all hot, dirty and exhausted. The next town is still at least a day's journey away, and this is most likely the only hospitable spot between here and there. We'll start again first thing in the morning."

Sanzo opened one eye a crack and crossed his arms over his chest. "Damn."

"WOOHOO! Here I come, lake!" Goku was out of the back seat before anyone could stop him and running for the water.

**BANG!**

The boy yelped and hit the ground when a bullet imbedded itself in the tree near his head.

"Idiot! Stop acting like a stupid brat," Sanzo shouted, teeth clenched tightly. The little vein in his forehead was positively ready to explode.

Gojyo chuckled, uncurling himself languidly from the back as well, stretching his arms up over his head. His fingers laced together behind his head and he leaned against the Jeep. "The monk's got a point, monkey."

Blinking, golden eyes blankly, confused, Goku asked, "Huh? What point are you talkin' about?"

"He's right about you being an idiot! Ow! Hey, what the hell is this?" Gojyo shouted, staring at the very abused bag thrown at the back of his head.

"It's my shit. Get Hakuryu unloaded," Sanzo replied, getting up and lighting a cigarette.

"You goddamn prick! Carry your own shit!" Gojyo picked the bag up, half-tempted to throw it back at that arrogant face. Except he knew that would result in certain death. As in, the kind where the bullet wouldn't conveniently 'miss' by an inch. Growling and muttering under his breath, he began throwing the bags and packages on the side of the road. "Come on, ya dumb ape! Start taking care of all this crap."

"Why me? Sanzo didn't say I had to," Goku hollered back, fidgeting back and forth on his feet, staring longingly at the water.

"Well, now I am," Sanzo replied. "Now get moving, and try to keep the kappa from breaking all the stuff." He walked away to sit under the shade of a tree.

Gojyo made a face and flicked him off while his back was turned, eliciting a soft chuckle from Hakkai. "The heat's making Sanzo a little grumpier than usual, don't you think, Gojyo?"

"Heh, didn't think it possible he could get any more bitter," the red head muttered.

"Hey, Hakkai?" Goku asked eagerly, standing still while Hakkai loaded him down with items.

"Yes?"

"Can we go swimming? Please?"

Laughing, he slung two packs over his shoulder and carried the hook with all the travel cooking pots attached to it. "That's a wonderful idea, Goku! Let's get the camp set up, start a fire and then take a nice refreshing swim before dinner and bed."

"Sounds good to me," Gojyo drawled, hefting the driving hammer to his shoulders and adjusting the bag of tent stakes as well. "I'd say right around where the lazy-assed monk is would be a good spot for the tent."

Smiling, Hakkai said with fake sincerity, "Why, Gojyo, I do believe you're correct!"

Grinning wickedly, Gojyo followed Hakkai over to where Sanzo was sitting, smoking and staring out over the lake. He glanced up at them, brows raised in mild shock as they dropped all the tent equipment on the grass next to him. "What's all this?" he demanded.

Hakkai knelt beside the equipment and started sorting it out into piles. Rope, poles, and then the tent itself, straightened out with a deft flick of his wrist, were all spread out without any explaination to the blonde. "Gojyo, would you mind setting up the central pole?"

"My pleasure," he answered. Sanzo drew his hand back quickly to keep it from being stabbed.

"You son of a bitch!" he snarled, his entire body shaking in rage.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Gojyo dismissed the cussing with a wave of his hand. "Can I help it if you're in the way?"

"Yes, it would probably be best to give us a little space for pitching the tent," Hakkai added, still smiling as if there wasn't an irate priest with a gun before him. "Unless...you plan to help?"

Sanzo stood ubruptly, teeth clenched. "Like hell," he ground out. He stomped away angrily, disappearing behind a turn in the hedges.

Hakkai laughed softly and stood up, attaching the first section of the tent to the pole. While Gojyo and Hakkai worked on the tent, Goku went around and gathered fire wood, digging a hole in the ground and lining it with rocks just as Hakkai had shown him countless times before. He arranged the wood neatly and stood back with his hands on his hips, proud of his handiwork. He paused, frowning. Something wasn't right... Oh, wait! He had to START the fire! "Hey, Gojyo, can I have your lighter?"

Gojyo scowled at him, holding the tent up while Hakkai placed another pole in the ground. "In case you failed to notice, chimp, I'm a little busy! Why don't you go bother Sanzo for a light?"

Goku looked at the bushes Sanzo had vanished behind, then back at Gojyo, and then back again. "But...why can't I just use yours?"

"BECAUSE I'M FUCKING BUSY! Go annoy your owner for a while!"

Grumbling, Goku trudged off around the bushes, hitting them as he did. Stupid kappa! Why'd he always have to be such an asshole? He stopped, looking around the area. Where was Sanzo? He glanced further into the clearing, his frown deepening. Sanzo's robe...it was hanging from a tree! And there were his boots and his shirt and his ...and his jeans! "Sanzo! Sanzo, where are you?"

"For the love of the gods, what is it now?"

Goku froze, looking around again. Where the hell was his voice coming from? "San...zo?"

"What?"

It was coming...from the water? Goku went to the edge of the lake... and found Sanzo in water up to his waist, leaning back against a rock and smoking. "WHAT? How come you get to go swimming?"

"Because I wanted to."

"Grrrr..." Goku balled his fists. Then, making a split decision, he whipped his cloak and tunic off, kicking his boots behind him.

Sanzo did a double take, jaw dropping a little. "Just what in the hell are you doing?" he demanded in a low, cold voice.

"I wanna swim, too! HAKKAI! GOJYO! I'm goin' swimming!"

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY, YOU LITTLE SHIT?" Gojyo roared. It wasn't long before he and Hakkai both rounded the turn, stopping and gaping as Goku took a running leap, jumping clean over Sanzo's head and right into the lake with the shout of "CANNON BALL!"

Sanzo snarled, shaking himself off as the water cascaded all over. "Goddamn you!" He flung the ruined cigarette away angrily.

Gojyo and Hakkai exchanged glances. "Shall we?" Gojyo asked. He was already taking his belt off and untucking his shirt.

"I suppose the tent can wait a little longer," Hakkai replied, slipping his monocle into a pocket.

"You better keep something on," Sanzo threatened, having resigned himself with the fact that he wasn't going to be getting any down time like he'd planned.

"Naturally," Hakkai answered, blushing a little.

"Yeah, wouldn't wanna make you jealous," Gojyo mocked, leering at the monk.

"Hmph, you wish," he muttered. He moved over a little so that Hakkai could take a spot by the rock as well.

Gojyo waded out after Goku, carefully watching where he put his feet. It would really suck to drown while chasing the monkey. "Yo, monkey-boy!"

"Huh?" Goku turned in time to catch a spray of water right in the face. "Why you...perverted-kappa-cockroach!" He couldn't decide which insult to use, so he used them all together.

"GAAAHH!" Gojyo spluttered, holding an arm up and turning his face away as Goku shoveled water at him in great waves.

"Whoa! Hey, Goku, please be considerate of others," Hakkai admonished, covering his face as well.

Sanzo closed his eyes, the vein surfacing again in his forehead. The cigarette he'd been about to light hung limply between his lips. "Not...again," he muttered, throwing out yet another cigarette. His jaw was clenched so tightly Hakkai could here the joints popping.

"Sanzo?" Hakkai asked hesitantly, keeping one eye on the two now wrestling like mad and the monk next to him clenching his fists.

"That does it!" Sanzo shouted. He dove in after the two, head locking Gojyo and aiming an open-handed smack to Goku's head. "Will. You. Two. Shut. Up!" Each word was punctuated with more backslapping and much jerking around of poor Gojyo's neck.

"Owowowowow! OW! Sanzo, that really- OUCH!" Goku covered his head, trying to avoid the blows.

Gojyo strained against Sanzo's arm, eyes flashing. "You lousy prick! Get the fuck off me NOW!" He managed to get a good grip and flung Sanzo over his shoulder and into the water.

Sanzo managed to keep a hold of the kappa and pulled him down as well. There was much splashing, cussing and hitting as the two fought it out. It seemed the heat had finally melted their resolve.

"Good grief," Hakkai sighed, rolling his eyes. "I think that's quite enough horse play for one day." He made his way over to the two struggling in the water, intent on breaking it up. If he could.

"HEY! Get off of Sanzo, ya pervert!" Goku dove right onto Gojyo's back, legs locking around his waist.

"GODDAMN MONKEY! HAKKAI!" Gojyo was bucking wildly to try and throw Goku off, while keeping one arm around Sanzo's neck, trying to drag the monk down. Sanzo was bent over, pushing against Gojyo's arm to try and get free enough to do some real damage.

"Goku, please get- whooooa!" Hakkai was accidentally tripped as Sanzo swung his leg around to try and catch Gojyo. He slipped, falling to his knees. The only thing that saved him from falling completely was grabbing a hold of Sanzo's waist. It ended up putting him very close to not one but TWO areas he'd rather avoid on his friends. He caught a knee in the ribs from Gojyo (on accident, of course) and struggled to find his footing quickly. Thank God there weren't any passers-by. With the way everyone was arranged, it looked a lot like a group orgy instead of a fight!

"Damn it, Hakkai, do something about your kappa!"

"You need to get control of your pet first," Hakkai answered, narrowly avoiding a kick in the jaw from said pet.

"Will ya cut that out?" Gojyo shouted, trying to keep his hold on Sanzo and pry Goku off his back at the same time. He managed to get Sanzo onto his knees in front of him, falling down under Goku's weight so that his chest was pressed up against the monk's back.

Sighing, Hakkai pushed away from the group. This was beyond him to fix. "I'm done! You guys are too much for- oh! Um...guys?" All his attention was focused across the lake now. He glanced again at the three still wrestling and then back. Oh, dear...

"Fucking...morons...dead...very dead!"

"Keep talkin', monk!"

"Hey, guys?" Hakkai was motioning urgently for them to stop. Sanzo was now trying to throw both Gojyo and Goku over his shoulders, but it wasn't working so it was making it look...VERY bad!

"Leave Sanzo alone!"

"HEY, GUYS!" Hakkai shouted over the noise.

They all three froze, glaring at Hakkai.

He pointed over their shoulders, face very pale and eyes wide. "It seems... we have an audience."

"Huh?" both Goku and Gojyo said. Gojyo and Sanzo let go of each other and Goku climbed off of Gojyo's back. All three followed where Hakkai was pointing...

And saw they had quite an audience indeed. As in, five adults...and thirty school children. And all of them had the biggest, widest, most horrified expressions on their faces. A few of the mothers had managed to cover eyes, but the damage was done.

"Shit," Gojyo muttered.

"Mommy, what are those men doing?" one youngster asked loudly. A few of the boys were imitating the fight. Sanzo actually turned a little red, but whether it was anger or embarassment was anyone's guess.

"Nothin, dear, just keep moving along! Just ignore those men, children," the mother answered quickly.

"Shit, tell me that's NOT what we looked like," Gojyo exclaimed.

"Um... If it'll make you feel better, I suppose...," Hakkai answered.

"Hey, where'd my boxer's go?" Goku asked, still not understanding exactly how embarassing the situation was.

The kids filed off, and still the four stood rooted to the spot, too shocked to move. "Damn...this is bad," Gojyo muttered.

The mother who had spoken stayed behind and, when the children were out of ear shot, she put her hands on her hips and shouted, "Get a room, perverts! This is a FAMILY lake! We don't need your kind sending our children to therapy!" before storming off after the group.

It was Goku who spoke first into the silence. "Wait...did she just call us perverts?"

"So it would seem," Sanzo answered, trudging out of the water. He bent down and grabbed his cigarettes, finally lighting one. He took a hit, blowing out the smoke around the stick in his mouth as he combed out his hair with his fingers. It was obvious he was trying to ignore what had just happened.

"But why would she...say, you don't think maybe...maybe she thought... It didn't look like THAT, did it?"

Hakkai covered his eyes with one hand, the blush creeping down his neck. Even Gojyo had the grace to look embarassed. That was answer enough.

Goku's eyes went wide and his jaw worked but nothing came out for a long time. He'd finally figured out what was wrong. "B-but...Aw, man! Why does this always happen to us?"

"Maybe because Red over here can't seem to take the hint that I'm not interested," Sanzo snarled.

"Excuse me? I thought we already went over this?" Gojyo shouted. He tramped out of the water, his leopard print boxers clinging to his legs. "Sha Gojyo has not, does not and never will sleep with a guy! It's your idiot monkey humping my back that got us into this!"

"I wasn't humping your back, pervert," Goku shouted as well, still searching around for his missing boxers. "You're the one who took my clothing off!"

"Like hell I did! It was all Hakkai!"

Hakkai gave Gojyo a very cold look. "In case you failed to notice, Gojyo, I wasn't anywhere near Goku's boxers. It was either you or Sanzo."

"I deny any part of undressing that monkey," Sanzo said quickly.

"Yeah, right! We all know how you monks are with your boys!" Gojyo screamed and dove under the water as the gun was aimed in his direction.

All four of them froze when footsteps broke the underbrush and ten law officials rounded the corner. The sheriff paused, eyes flicking to take them all in. "We received reports about four guys screwing in the lake. I guess that would be you four. You are all under arrest for indecent exposure, harrassing the locals, carrying a concealed weapon, lewd behavior, subjecting minors to unecessary sexual behavior and a whole list of other things that I can't quite remember. Come along peacefully or we're going to have to use force."

All four looked at each other. "Goddamn it, why DOES this always happen to us?" Gojyo demanded.

"Whatever, Pinkie," the sheriff said, taking a firm grip on Gojyo's arm. "Next time, save the kinky behavior for the bedroom, okay?"


	12. Never Listen To Rumors

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is a little different for Yaoi? Hope you like it! After this one, it'll all go back to normal, but a writer friend of mine here (asianprincess61) sort of influenced me to write this. Thanks a lot!

* * *

Chikan choked on his take-out noodles, brown eyes wide and black hair swinging forward in spite of the blue bandana tied around his forehead. Buta had to whack him hard across the back before he could speak or breath again. "You...cough...can't be serious...cough, cough!"

Manuke nodded, sweat beading along hsi forehead and a nervous smile on his face. "I couldn't believe it either," he said, his voice cracking as if he were still growing into it.

"Uh...ahaha...are you sure they didn't mean 'happy' and not...well..._that_?" Feiku asked gingerly, rubbing his bald head. The crimson paint on his forehead had smeared a bit. Chikan would try and remind him later before they went out...unless he was too high to remember.

Buta cleared his throat, wiping his nose on his meaty hand. He fixed the ridiculously small glass monocly with its broken chain and said quietly, "But they didn't seem like..._that!_ After all the times they kicked our asses..."

"Man, don't remind me," Manuke groaned, rubbing his hip with a painful grimace. "I still can't take a whiz without thinking about that last time!"

"But seriously," Chikan interupted, setting the box of noodles on the floor of their little shack. It was bare except for the bedrolls and a dirty camping stove. "I mean...dude, I don't think I wanna go that far! I mean...dude!"

"I don't think I could, either," Feiku added in agreement, tucking the ivory cotton robes up around himself so he could sit down. There was a faint green ring around his head from where the fake gold crown had sat. It was now being used to prop a window open and get some cool air in. "No offense, Manuke, but I just don't think..." He sighed, pulling off the long string of toilet paper written over with fake script. He'd copied it down from some comic book he liked to read.

Buta sank down onto a wooden crate, sniffling again, his flat nose wrinkling. "Maybe we can just ignore this part?" he asked hopefully. Chikan nodded in agreement with the fat, sweaty man.

There was a loud crack and they all turned to Manuke, who had just punched through the cardboard boxes stacked in the corner. "What? We can't do that! We're first rate imposters! We're even better than the original Sanzo party. If we ignore this, we'll be going against everything we stand for!"

"But...have you ever..._you know_?" Feiku asked, pale skin going paler.

Manuke stopped mid-rant, mouth working noiselessly. Finally, he gave a stuttered, "I...well, that is to say...well, neither have you!"

"True... Chikan?"

Chikan spit his beer across the room, splashing all over Feiku's face and robe. "Me? Hell, no! That was my brother, not me!"

"Well, doesn't hurt to ask!"

"I haven't either," Buta added from his corner.

Manuke sighed, shaking out his messy brown hair. It was starting to dred a bit from not having been washed in a while. He was worse about bathing that Chikan was. "Well, there's only one way to do this properly. Come here, Feiku!"

"Huh?" Feiku asked, getting up all the same. Chikan and Buta just watched in horror as Manuke grabbed him by the shoulders, dragged him in and kissed him full on the mouth.

"Aw, man! Aw...bleh..God, you couldn't have warned us?" Chikan shouted, covering his eyes. Buta was snorting with laughter.

The tow broke apart, Manuke rubbing his stubbled chin, Feiku biting his lower lip. "It wasn't all THAT bad, actually," Feiku conceded.

"Nah, not really," Manuke added thoughtfully. "I mean, I could do it again, and after a bit of practice, maybe do it in public. You?"

"Mm, possibly. It's still going to be a little odd, but I think i could swing it."

Both Manuke and Feiku turned to look expectantly at Chikan and Buta.

Chikan blinked, followed their gaze to a blushing and anticipating Buta. Buta smiled shyly, casting his watery green eyes down. "No way, man! No way in hell. I mean, dudes, look at him!"

"What, so just because he's fat you don't want to kiss him?" Manuke shouted, voice squeaking almost shrilly.

"Well, would YOU?"

Manuke scowled, throwing his arms wildly in the air. "That's not the point! The point is that Hakkai and Gojyo are boyfriends, and Sanzo and Goku are! If you wanna be the Gojyo in our group, you've gotta kiss Buta."

Chikan glanced again at the very sweaty Buta and licked his lips nervously. "Man...this blows. Okay, let's just get this done and over with!" He stood up and approached Buta warily, wiping his sweaty palms on his khaki pants.

"I'm ready," Buta said, pursing his lips together and closing his eyes expecantly.

Chikan leaned in, hesitated and then kissed him quickly, wiping his mouth and tongue (not that he'd used it) off with his hands and on the roll of dancing tape around his arms. Peeling it off the arm hair hurt like a bitch each time. "Bleck...God, how awful! I feel so gross!"

"I kind of liked it," Buta mumbled, picking some crumbs from his too-tight green tunic. "Maybe if we practiced a little later tonight-,"

"No! No practice at night! That's just too damn weird." Chikan shivered and sat down.

Manuke grinned happily. "Okay, let's try and get this right quickly! We're only a day ahead of the real Sanzo party, so we've gotta move quickly if we wanna avoid them."

They all agreed whole-heartedly on avoiding the real Sanzo party at all cost and began practicing their newfound information as realistically as possible.

* * *

Gojyo frowned as yet another guy whistled at him as he walked by. Goku and Hakkai were also carrying bags of grocerie and getting very examining looks, also from dudes. Huh... "Hey, Hakkai?"

"Yes?" Hakkai asked with a pleasant smile, ignoring the catcall from the porker-boy. Goku frowned when a pair of briefs were flung out an open window at him, shoving them off like they had the plague.

"Ever think that maybe someone out there is impersonating us...and making us gay?" the red head asked, eyes widening a touch when another man blew a kiss at him.

"Oh, so you've noticed our odd admirers, too?"

"Yeah."

Goku blinked and yelped when a man ran behind him and cracked his ass hard with the back of his hand. "OW! HEY, WHAT THE HELL?"

Hakkai blinked in surprise, Gojyo's cigarette hanging between his lips. A whole crowd of men were following them back to their inn. "What in the world... It's like they know us or something," Hakkai whispered, walking faster.

"Yeah, that's what I was thinking," Gojyo added.

"Hey, guys? You don't think maybe it was those shitty imposter guys again...do you?" Goku asked as they began to run for the inn, the crowd still following them.

"Hard...to...say," Hakkai said between panting breaths.

"Man, I thought we taught them a lesson the last time! If I get my hands on them...," Gojyo never finished the threat because they dropped the groceries and booked it the rest of the way to the inn, slamming the door shut and running up the stairs to their room. Yeah, someone was spreading rumors about the Sanzo party, alright! Why else were they getting all the gay play?

Sanzo blinked, looking up from his newspaper in surprise. "What the hell happened to you guys?" he asked.

"Chased by a mob of male worshippers," Hakkai breathed out, leaning forward and taking deep gulps of air into his lungs. Gojyo was too winded to even speak.

"Yeah, they chased us and harassed us and one of them smacked my ass," Goku complained.

"Hmph, doesn't surprise me," Sanzo muttered, going back to his paper.

"What's that...supposed...to mean?" Gojyo demanded, expecting this old argument to surface again.

In answer, Sanzo flipped the newspaper to the announcement page and read outloud, "Two happy couples were wed today in holy union. One, Genjyo Sanzo, to his long time life mate Son Goku. The other, Sha Gojyo to his effeminate lover, Cho Hakkai." He folded it up again and returned to his editorial page. "And this happened in two towns ahead of us," he added.

"Son of a bitch! Those goddamn imposters!"


	13. Pay No Attention To The Kappa

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This takes place shortly after they all meet. Sorry for the delay!

* * *

Goku bounced happily in front of the other two, grinning and singing a song about going shopping for food. Hakkai and Gojyo had gone up to the temple to see if Goku wanted to go out with them. It was obvious from the relieved expression on Sanzo's face that the boy had been more annoying than usual. Shoving him toward the other two, the monk had snarled, "Here, take him," and then locked himself in his office.

"Oi, monkey! Slow down, would ya? Your owner won't be happy if we lose his favorite pet," Gojyo called as Goku kept skipping and singing further into the crowd of people.

Scowling and taking the bait, Goku shouted, "I'm not a monkey! I'm Goku! Go-ku!"

"I don't care what kind of fancy name those idiot monks gave you, you're still Stupid Monkey to me. Stu-pid. Mon-key!"

Hakkai smiled as a brown blur launched itself predictably at Gojyo, who caught it, swinging Goku up over his shoulders, one arm locked behind the boy's neck and the other around his knees. Goku hollered and squirmed, causing people to stare in bewilderment at them, but Gojyo's pin was solid. "You know, Gojyo, you'd make an excellent father."

The comment shocked Gojyo so badly he dropped Goku without warning. "Are you fucking kidding me? Me, a dad? Noooo, thanks!"

Smiling, pleased that his plan of getting Gojyo to release the youngster worked, Hakkai pulled out his list, scanning down it quickly. he already knew what they needed and was trying to think of the best way to do it. "Why don't we each take half of the list and meet back at the noodle stand in an hour?"

"Noodle stand! Can we have noodles at the noodle stand?" Goku asked hopefully.

Laughing, Hakkai tore the list neatly in half and handed one part to Gojyo. "If you're back on time, I don't see why not."

"Aw, for the love of... Hakkai, you gave us the harder list," Gojyo shouted.

All he got in response was an airy wave as the dark haired man walked away.

"Dumb bastard," the red-head muttered, looking over the list more closely. First thing on the list was new pillows. "Come on, chimp, let's get going!"

"Stop calling me chimp and monkey and-,"

"How 'bout shit head? You like that better?"

"NO!"

About an hour later, Gojyo and Goku were sitting outside the noodle stand. Gojyo had broken down and bought the kid a plate of noodles, which disappeared in record time. He didn't mind buying a second and third plate. The girl at the stand was hot. Hotter than hot, actually. She was probably one of the most gorgeous girls he'd yet to see.

As he was buying Goku the third round, he decided it was time to work his charm. After all, he couldn't let a catch like this just walk on by. "Sorry."

"Oh? For what?" she asked, eyes crinkling with a big smile.

"For him. See, he came from a shelter for abused boys. I took him in."

"Aw... that was so sweet of you!"

Sighing, Gojyo leaned against the stand and a little closer to her. "Yeah... used to be one myself. I know how hard it is for kids like him. Tragic, really."

"You... You don't say," she breathed out, leaning closer to him. Just a little more...

A sharp pull on his pant leg made him look down, checking any cusses back quickly. After all, he didn't want to be yelling at his "charge". A big shit-eating grin and wide eyes met him. "More noodles, please!"

"You just had three plates," Gojyo said through a tight smile.

Laughing, the girl leaned over the stand, rubbing her breasts up against Gojyo's arm. Damn... He shook his head, grinning to himself. She loaded Goku's plate up with more, winking at Gojyo as she stood back up. "It's on the house."

"Hey, thanks... sorry, what was your name?" This could be a good thing for both of them. Goku gets free food, he gets free sex... he'd have to remember to take the kid out more with him.

"Aiko," she answered, blushing.

"Aiko? That's very pretty. My name's Gojyo."

She laughed, running a finger down the sleeve of his shirt. "Mm... I like that. Is your girlfriend around?"

Smiling again, he said as he leaned in, "I think we both know I don't have a girlfriend."

"Good answer." Their lips met briefly before breaking apart and coming together again.

"Ahem."

Gojyo pulled back, eyebrow raised. Damn it, Hakkai was back... and the monk had joined him. "Yeah?"

Sanzo's jaw was clenched so tight he was surprised it wasn't breaking. "Does your perversion have any limitation?" he gritted out. "This is a PUBLIC PLACE!"

"What, jealous?"

Growling wordlessly, Sanzo's hands balled up to keep from pulling his gun in the middle of the food court.

Hakkai remained smiling as he shrugged helplessly. "Goku, let's find a table to sit at. It's better than the ground."

"Okay! Can I have some more?" Goku asked brightly, bouncing after Hakkai and Sanzo.

"Of course," Hakkai replied with a gentle laugh.

Aiko stared after them for a second, hand covering her mouth. "You know Master Sanzo?" she asked.

Sensing yet another way to ensure some company tonight, Gojyo said, "Uh, yeah. Master Sanzo and I go way back. Maybe I can arrange a private audience with him for you."

"Oh... would you?"

"Sure. Why don't we talk about it later tonight? I'll meet you back here around... say, seven?"

Nodding enthusiastically, she quickly went back to work. A line was beginning to form and people were getting impatient. Gojyo wandered over to the table, grinning. It wasn't a big deal, he was sure, to talk Sanzo into it. After all, the guy was human. How could you deny a pretty girl a private audience with 'His Holiness'. Taking a seat next to Hakkai and across from the other two, Gojyo held his lighter out when he saw Sanzo pull out a cigarette.

Arching a golden brow, the blonde leaned in, violet eyes watching him suspiciously. "Whatever it is, the answer's no."

"You don't even know what I was going to ask," Gojyo complained.

"And I don't care either."

Running his fingers through his still woefully short hair (it was down to his chin now, but not nearly as long as it had been), Gojyo pleaded, "I just need you to act like a monk for five minutes and talk to that cute noodle girl for me. Please, Sanzo? She really wants to meet you."

Eyes lifting from the spot on the table he'd been staring at, Sanzo said, "I'm changing my answer."

Gojyo's smile widened. YES!

"It's hell no now."

"You prick! You totally made me believe you were capable of emotion!"

"Hmph, not my fault you're easily duped."

Growling in frustration, Gojyo slumped back in his chair, glaring death at a man who wouldn't even look up to see it. Damn him!

Hakkai stood up, ever smiling and said, "I'm a bit hungry. Would you like something, Sanzo?"

The priest stood as well, muttering, "Like I'd trust you to order correctly for me." Hakkai's response was a little chuckle as the two went to stand in line at the same noodle stand Aiko was working.

"GET SOME FOR ME, TOO!" Goku shouted. He was already going through the bags Hakkai had bought, knowing that the green-eyed man would have picked him up some candy.

Gojyo continued to glare at the blonde's back, shaking his head. "Man, he is one serious tight ass," he complained, not really caring if Goku was listening or not. "Half his problem is that he doesn't know how to have a little fun. All he needs to do is get a BJ and he'll be so much happier!"

"Wuzza E-Jay?" Goku asked around a mouthful of sugar wafers. His eyes were wide and innocent as he continued shoveling the cookies into his mouth.

"A BJ? It stands for blow job. It something that makes you feel good. Hell, knowing how uptight that prick is, it might even make him smile," Gojyo answered without really thinking about his audience.

Swallowing, Goku followed his gaze over to Sanzo and stared at his back thoughtfully. "Make him smile, huh?"

The two came back over with food, Sanzo sliding a plate over to Goku without a word. Gojyo grinned up at Hakkai as his friend dropped a plate in front of him as well. "Unlike some others at our table, Hakkai, you are one decent guy!"

"Why, thank you, Gojyo," Hakkai replied, ignoring the insult clearly directed at Sanzo.

Scowling as he picked up his chopsticks, Sanzo said coldly, "I did what you asked. I talked with her for five minutes. That's about how long it took her to get our order down."

"You are such a sarcastic bastard."

"Please, you flatter me."

They continued to eat in relative silence, settling on muted glares across the table. Hakkai sighed, twirling his sticks together through the noodles to gather them up. "It would be nice to have a meal together that didn't result in fighting, swearing, or inappropriate-,"

"Hey, Sanzo, can I give you a blow job?"

The other three weren't the only ones to drop their utensils. The four tables surrounding them did as well. Gojyo spit his food across the table, hitting Sanzo square in the chest. The monk was too livid to even notice. Hakkai's head thunked on the table, the blush extending way below his neckline. "Oh, dear God..."

"What did you just say?" Sanzo asked in a deadly low tone. His body was shaking with the attempt to keep from killing his young charge.

Goku blinked big confused eyes. "I just asked if I could give you a blow job. It might make you smile!" The people around them were beginning to whisper, some even snicker.

Snarling, Sanzo's fan came out of nowhere and connected with a head.

"OW! Mother fucker, what the hell is wrong with you?" Gojyo demanded, clutching his head.

"You goddamn pervert!"

Goku whimpered and quickly scurried out of the fan's way and over to Hakkai's side. Hakkai picked his head up, still red all the way up to his hairline, and continued to eat. "Hakkai, why's Sanzo so mad? All I wanted to do was make him smile by givin' him a blow job! Gojyo said-,"

"Goku, do us all a favor and don't ever listen to Gojyo again," Hakkai pleaded, ignoring the continued beating going on beside him.


	14. Truth Or Dare?

"I dare you... to eat this banana peel!"

"EWWW! That came from under your ass!"

"Yeah, so?"

"Well I don't wanna eat anything that came from there!"

"You can't back down now, monkey! It's a dare and you've gotta do it, so start chewing."

Hakkai's smile stayed fixed as he cast a worried glance over at Sanzo. The monk was gripping the OS bar so hard his knuckles were white. The vein in his forehead looked ready to explode at any second. And, to be perfectly honest, he was sort of hoping Sanzo WOULD just blow up at the two! They'd been out on the road for three days straight, stopping only when Hakkai desperately needed to take a break. It had all started innocently enough. There was nothing to distract Gojyo and Goku scenery wise so the kappa thought it might be fun to indroduce Truth or Dare. Of course, he'd known full well Goku was always going to pick dare. That's just how the boy was.

At first, the dares were simple and silly. Take your sock off and put it in your mouth for one minute. Scream 'I'm a pretty girl' at the top of your lungs. Stare at the ground whizzing by for as long as you could without puking. It was on the second day that things started getting out of hand. They seemed to have forgotten it was TRUTH or Dare. Sanzo had long ago lost patience with them and was starting to just keep the gun out in plain view all the time. Hakkai wrote it off as them being bored... but last night's dare with Goku had been the final straw. He'd woken up around two in the morning when he'd felt someone leaning over him. It had been Goku trying to remove one of his limiters and take it back to Gojyo for proof that he did. Hakkai had very politely asked them both to leave him out of it.

That lasted about an hour. He'd almost been back to sleep when Gojyo had snuck in. He'd ignored it at first, hoping to God the red-head was just trying to find some disinfectant or gauze or something. Hakuryuu screeching made him jump from his bed roll in fright. The little white dragon's wings were beating against Gojyo's head, red eyes glowing angrily. Gojyo was trying to fend him off, waving his hands around in the air. He was so preoccupied with it that he ended up stumbling right through the side if the tent, pulling it down around not only Hakkai, but Sanzo who had woken up worless with rage. Once everyone was untangled from the mess, the monk swatted Gojyo angrily in the head and grabbed his pillow and blanket to sleep somewhere in the forest by himself. All of this happened because Goku dared Gojyo to pluck one of the incredibly fine hairrs from Hakuryuu's neck. Needless to say, he'd been pissed himself.

Hakkai really couldn't believe after last night they would STILL dare to play this game! He sighed and shook his head while Gojyo howled with laughter from in back. They would be entering a village soon enough. It was bound to get worse once they had a whole new place to play around in!

* * *

Sanzo glanced up from his paper and did a double take before he could help himself. Gojyo was strolling around the room completely naked... except for some frilly pink thing that went right up his ass and squished everything in the front. The kappa looked far from happy about it as he took a seat at the table, shifting a little. "Man... women are fucking crazy for wearing this shit!"

He didn't want to know... it was disturbing enough to have the bastard sitting at the table while he read the paper. He REALLY didn't need a running commentary about lingerie! There was only one reason Gojyo would be wearing a thong. And that reason was staring at a small bag full of wasabi with something close to fear on his face. Goku wiped his brow and turned large golden eyes up to Gojyo. "Do I really have to?"

Gojyo lit a cigarette and smirked. He leaned back a little, slipping a finger down along the thin strip of pink lace on his hip, snapping the material back against his skin. "I've got chafing in my ass like I can't even begin to tell you about. Hell, yeah, you've gotta down that bag. All in one go, too."

Sanzo folded the newspaper up, eyes narrowing behind his glasses. "Goku..."

"Yeah?" Goku asked softly, staring at the fine green substance like it was going to jump up and eat his face off.

"Never mind." He was about to tell the boy not to do anything stupid... but it would have been a waste of time. He knew the moron would spout some shit about not being able to back out on a dare shortly before he stuffed his face with wasabi.

Letting out a loud, long breath, Goku picked the bag up and emptied the contents into his mouth, swallowing it down. Both Sanzo and Gojyo watched him. Tears watered and then spilled from eyes suddenly full of pain. Goku sat frozen for the space of a second before he was clutching his stomach and coughing violently, face a shade of red Sanzo had never seen before. He went running for the bathroom, practically ripping the door out of Hakkai's hand as the other man was coming out.

Hakkai was just getting out from there, having taken a shower, and was completely plowed over by Goku running for the toilet. He sat up on the floor, still clutching his towel desperately to keep from flashing everyone completely. "What in the world?"

"Goku ate about a quarter cup of wasabi. Straight up," Sanzo explained, flicking the paper open again and ignoring the pained hacking mixed with wails of agony coming from the bathroom. If he was going to be dumb enough to eat that much wasabi, he wasn't getting an ounce of sympathy for it!

Gojyo was laughing so hard he couldn't make a sound. His hands clutched his sides, tears squeezing through his thick lashes. It stopped abruptly when he slid down his chair, drawing the thin material further up his ass and across the front. "OW! Goddamn it, I've got rope burn on my balls!"

"GOJYO! What... where did you...?" Hakkai blushed dark red and quickly turned his eyes away, unwilling to ask about the thong. Sanzo had a brief flash of sympathy for the properly polite man. If their driver left because Gojyo had a cross dressing fetish, he was going to be pissed off!

"It was a dare, alright? You know me better than that, Hakkai. I like the boys to have a little more room than this to breathe!"

"I see. And did Goku down the wasabi on a dare, too?" The only physical sign Hakkai was angry was his hand tightening around the towel at his waist.

Sanzo peeked from around the edge of the paper. Hakkai had that icy tone in his voice. Maybe this time he wouldn't need to break out the fan. Hakkai could be a pretty scary bastard when he wanted to be. And after last night it wouldn't surprise him in the least if the green-eyed man lost it. Which meant it was his cue to leave before the shit went flying. Tucking the newspaper under his arm and stubbing out the cigarette, Sanzo went down stairs, calling back, "You better have more on than that ass floss when you come down. And if I so much as hear the word 'dare' during dinner, I'll be daring you two to try and find a place to hide before I hunt you down and kill you." He knew as he shut the door that it wouldn't do any good. Children were children, and idiots had no choice but to be idiots. He checked his gun to make sure he had enough ammunition. The camber was full and he hand a few extra in his robe. That would be plenty... hopefully.

* * *

Hakkai stared after the closed door and half wished Sanzo would have stayed just long enough for him to get dressed. Those two were really pushing his last button. Not ONCE since he'd met them had he ever felt the need to lose his temper. If this continued much longer...

Goku stumbled from the bathroom, groaning. "I think my tongue's dead. An' my stomach. That sucked so bad!"

Gojyo snickered, standing up carefully. "Yeah, but that's what you get for sticking me in this thing all fucking night! You know I can't go out and get laid wearing this shit."

"Hehe... guess ya can't be a pervert tonight!"

"Eat me!"

Hakkai finished drying off and quickly pulled on his boxers and pants. He had to get out of here and cool off just a little. Yes, maybe he and Sanzo could step out to the nice bookstore he'd seen coming in. Between the two of them, they'd read the four books in the Jeep so many times it was ridiculous!

"Hey, Goku?"

Oh, no... His fingers worked quickly to fasten the belt buckle, reaching for his undershirt. That was all he needed to at least be presentable at the table. He could always come back up and finish ebfore going out. Shoes... well, he could go without them for now. But if he had to hear this...

"I dare you to stand on a chair downstairs and profess your undying love and desire for Sanzo's cock!"

Hakkai whirled around, horrified at the idea. "Gojyo, that's not a fair bet! Sanzo would KILL him for doing that!"

Gojyo rolled his eyes. "He hasn't hit yet, has he? So, monkey-boy? Are you gonna pussy out or do it?"

Goku's cheeks burned with embarassment, but his eyes were burning with something else. Hakkai felt a sinking feeling in his stomach. Please, God, don't let him... "Fine, I'll do it. But you've gotta do something first!"

"Oh, yeah? What's that?"

Hakkai hurried from the room as Goku began to tell him. "I dare you..." He shut the door, rubbing the back of his neck. Toying with him was one thing. They knew he had a high tolerance for childish antics. But screwing around with Sanzo... that was taking things a bit far! Giving the door one last nervous glance, he went down to the bar area, which was already pretty crowded. Sanzo was easy to spot in the back corner. He was the only one with hair such a brilliant shade of gold.

The monk's gaze flickered up to acknowledge Hakkai taking a seat across from him. "How are the kids, honey?" he asked sarcastically, tapping off some ash in the tray next to him.

Hakkai shook his head, smiling a little. "Sanzo, you do know we need them for this journey, right?"

The narrowed, suspicious glare was the only response he got.

"I'm just giving you a head's up they've gotten bored including me in their antics."

"Oh?" Sanzo returned to his newspaper, taking a hit.

Taking a deep breath and holding it to keep from losing his nerve, he said quickly, "They've moved on to you. In about five minutes, Goku is going to profess his love for you. And Gojyo... well, I didn't hear what he was going to do actually. Now, I realize they're getting to be pretty irritating, but I'm begging you, as a friend or companion or whatever, please don't kill them."

"First off, you're about the only one in the group I MIGHT consider naming as a friend, but that's solely based on the fact you're less annoying than either of them." Hakkai smiled at the backhanded compliment. "Second... breaking their jaws isn't doing shit. And killing them will be too quick and not nearly as enjoyable as some other options."

Now he was really worried. Sanzo not wanting to kill them? How... odd. He knew Sanzo was pissed to the point of doing something drastic... but usually it was a new and creative way to kill Gojyo or Goku. This was a side of Pissy Sanzo he'd never experienced before. And he wasn't sure he was comfortable with it. "Sanzo, what other options are you refering to?"

"Let me handle it, Hakkai."

He folded his hands neatly on the table, too nervous to do more than accept the beer the waitress brought over and gulp it back. Let him handle it? Things weren't looking good for either Goku or Gojyo. No, this wasn't going to be good at all! Sanzo continued to smoke and read, completely silent and utterly calm. He wasn't going to be when Goku came down and made his announcement!

It wasn't long before Goku and Gojyo entered the room, Gojyo walking just a little funny. Neither one would look at Sanzo to save their life and there was an unhealthy paleness to Gojyo's tanned skin that made Hakkai even more worried. Uh-oh... Goku took a seat, trying to keep the wicked smile from coming to his lips. Goku with a wicked smile? Usually Gojyo was...

Hakkai scooted his chair as far as he could from Gojyo as the red-head stood in front of Sanzo. People were beginning to stare. Sanzo folded his paper up and waited, giving Gojyo a cold glare. "Well, kappa, what the fuck do you want?"

Without a word, Gojyo suddenly pulled Sanzo to him using his robe. Hakkai very nearly fell out of his chair when he kissed the monk on the lips. HE WOULDN'T... if it weren't for the fact he was seeing it with his own eyes, he would NEVER have believed Gojyo to be so dumb as to kiss Sanzo! AND IN PUBLIC! It was suicidal to embarass Sanzo in private. Now... he knew Gojyo was going to die a slow and horribly painful death.

Something so completely shocking and unreal occured that both Hakkai AND Goku's jaws dropped. Sanzo's fingers wound through Gojyo's hair and he kissed him back, forcing the red-head's mouth open with his tongue. And he didn't let go, not even when Gojyo released his robes and opened his eyes with with a look that seemed to scream 'WHAT THE HELL?' Hakkai shook his head and then rubbed his eyes to see if somehow he'd been wrong about it all. Nope, Sanzo was still kissing Gojyo, and drawing more and more stares for it. There was no way that could be passed off as an innocent little kiss. Sanzo was making very sure anyone who saw it knew there was a lot of tongue being used! Dear God...

Gojyo yelped and stumbled back when Sanzo finally released him, falling over the table behind him and over the side. Luckily, no one had been sitting there, but there were still plenty of people gaping still from the passionate kiss to witness it. "HOLY SHIT!" He got to his feet, legs shaking and left without turning around, eyes wide and frightened. He was staring at Sanzo as if he'd grown a second head. Once he was out of the bar his footsteps could be heard running for the front door. The door slammed shut and people on the street shouted angrily as he plowed through them.

Violet eyes glittering with malicious laughter locked on golden ones the size of small dinner plates. "Did you have something you wanted to say, Goku?" he asked. He never said it, but the tone was obviously daring the boy to continue.

"Uh... no... that's okay. I'm not feelin' good anymore." Goku stood numbly from the table and left.

Hakkai watched him leave before turning back to Sanzo. He was torn between speechless shock and outright laughter. It had been brilliant... down right awful and brilliant and... he didn't know what. It was completely unlike Sanzo and yet it was exactly like him at the same time! A chuckle broke from his throat and soon he was laughing, wiping his eyes. "Terrible... you're so terrible!"

Sanzo, smirking, picked the paper back up. "See? I told you there were better ways to deal with it besides killing them."

The next day, the car ride was blissfully silent. Hakkai let out a happy sigh. It seemed as if Gojyo and Goku were done completely with Truth or Dare.

"Hey, Gojyo?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm thinkin' of somethin'. Can you guess what?"

"Um... is it an animal?"

"No!"

"Vegetable?"

"No!"

Oh, dear... Hakkai looked over to where Sanzo was grinding his teeth. "Well, any bright ideas, Sanzo?"

"It's your turn to handle it," he replied bitterly.

Somehow, Hakkai doubted very much he could use the same method for silencing them that the monk had. How lovely...


	15. Tight Jeans Are A Bad Idea

Hakkai glanced up from his book as Sanzo came out of the bathroom, towel wrapped around his waist and hanging in wet shaggy pieces around his face. He glanced around when he noticed the room was empty. "Where Captain Stupid and his side kick, the Wonder Brat, go?" he asked.

"Oh, they went to get some food," Hakkai explained, turning the page in his book. "Your laundry is folded on the bed, by the way."

"Hmph."

Hakkai continued to read silently as Sanzo unfolded the tight jeans and finished toweling off. It wasn't often that he got a chance to relax without anyone interupting. With Sanzo, it was possible since the blonde wasn't one for idle conversation. He'd been lucky in the last town to discover a fantastic bookstore that had an amazing selection of hard-to-finds. This was one of his most favorites and he hadn't read it in years, even since before he'd met Kanan. He was taking full advantage of the peace and quiet to indulge in Hakkai Time.

That didn't last very long, however. "Hey... Hakkai?"

He looked up at the puzzled question. Sanzo's back was to him, the jeans pulled up and looking as tight as ever. "Yes?"

"Did you do the laundry?"

What an odd thing to say! "Of course I did. Is something wrong?" He folded the corner of the page he left off on, swinging his legs over the side of the bed.

"Well... I think maybe..." This was incredibly odd indeed. If he wasn't mistaken, Sanzo sounded almost embarassed. "I think you shrunk my jeans."

"What?" Hakkai came around so that he was facing Sanzo. He watched as the blonde sucked in his already thin waist and tried to get the two ends to meet. No such luck. "Oh, dear! Well, I washed them with all of ours, and mine got up fine. So, it can't be because they shrank."

He knew Sanzo was glaring at him. "Then what are you suggesting, Hakkai?" he asked coldly.

Hakkai laughed nervously. He was walking on dangerously thin ice now! "Um... we HAVE been eating out a lot recently..."

"Don't you dare say it!"

Sighing, Hakkai stepped back a few paces. Just in case he needed to duck for bullets. "Sanzo... I think you've gained some weight."

The violet glare went from dangerous to deadly in the blink of an eye. Snarling wordlessly, he continued to tug on the pants, wincing as the waistband cut in sharply.

"Sanzo..."

"Shut up, Hakkai!"

"Sanzo, that can't be good for you! What if you break a kidney or something?"

Sanzo shot him another evil look and continued trying to button his jeans. "I haven't gained any weight," he choked out, arms straining to force the inevitable to happen. "You must have shrunk them."

It was pointless trying to explain to him again that all the jeans were washed in the same load and that none of the others had shrunk. Sighing and running one hand back through his hair, Hakkai motioned toward the bed. "Lie down, Sanzo."

"Huh?"

"Lie down. It'll make getting them buttoned easier."

Sanzo did as he was told, stretching out on his back. He pulled hard once, twice, three times. On the third pull, his hands slipped of completely. "Damn it! You owe me a pair of jeans, asshole!"

Shaking his head and biting back any sharp retort, Hakkai climbed up on the bed, straddling Sanzo's thighs with his legs. "Okay, suck in," he instructed.

Sanzo's impossibly small waist shrank even further. Hakkai grabbed both ends tightly in his fists and tried to force them together, leaning forward a little.

"Ow! Watch where you're pressing," Sanzo hissed, covering his eyes with one hand as the immediate pain ripped through him.

Hakkai looked down and saw he was indeed pressing down on a very senstive area. "Oh... Oh, I'm so sorry, Sanzo!"

"Don't be sorry, just give me results."

Nodding, the green-eyed man tried again to make it work. He was almost there... the ends were just about touching... His sweaty fingers lost their grip on the fabric and he fell forward on top of Sanzo, knocking the air out from the blonde underneath. Their faces were mere inches away, groins pressed close together. Hakkai used Sanzo's chest to push himself up a little, the soft skin dimpling under his fingertips All in all it was an incredibly intimate position to be in. They were so close in fact that Hakkai could almost taste the cigarettes on Sanzo's breath. Startled violet eyes met equally startled green ones before both sets flew to the door opening. Oh, shit...

"Mm... those were the best meatbuns I've ever- HUH?"

"Oi, why'd you- HUH?"

Hakkai and Sanzo stared at Gojyo and Goku. Gojyo and Goku stared right back. The bag of food dropped from Goku's arms as he continued to gape with a slacked jaw. "Um... I don't suppose you two would believe this isn't what it looks like?" Hakkai offered with a shaky laugh.

Both of them shook their heads, jaws still dropped.

"Ah... I see."

"He was helping me get my jeans buttoned," Sanzo said, cheeks flaming pink.

"Uh-huh," Gojyo replied skeptically.

"If you say so," Goku mumbled.

"Seriously, that's all it was," Hakkai added hastily.

Gojyo put a firm hand on Goku's shoulder. "Yeah... okay. Just keep helping him with his jeans. We'll come back later." They backed out the door, Goku grabbing the door knob and shutting it quietly. There was a loud pounding as the two quickly ran back down the stairs.

Sanzo closed his eyes, gritting his teeth tightly. "Goddamn it!"


	16. And For My Next Trick

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! I just checked to stats on this brain child... over 200 reviews! THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYONE! I still can't believe how many people have ready this and LIKED it! hugs everyone So, I've decided that every 100 reviews, I'll post one involving the whole group. SO... having said that, thank you all again for the past reviews and for (hopefully) future ones as well!

* * *

Hakkai paused in the doorway, frowning. "Coming, Goku?"

"Yeah... in a minute," the boy replied distractedly, still sitting cross legged on the bed with nothing but his half-buttoned jeans on. He was still trying to figure out the trick card deck that he'd been toying with for the last three hours.

Hesitating only long enough to give Goku one last worried look, Hakkai shut the door and went downstairs. Earlier that day, Goku had spotted something that had made him drool almost as much as meatbuns; a begginer's magic kit. He'd begged, pleaded and finally annoyed Sanzo into buying it for him. Hakkai hadn't been too certain about how long Goku would be interested in it. He was pleasantly surprised to find the boy still interested in it several hours later. In fact, he was so involved with trying to master all the basics that he'd fogotten all about dinner! Simply stunning.

Gojyo and Sanzo both looked up as he entered the dining room alone. "Where's the chimp?" Gojyo asked around his cigarette.

"Goku will be joing us later," Hakkai stated, taking his seat and placing his napkin in his lap.

"Huh?" Gojyo stared at the plates and plates of food on the table and looked a bit lost. "Dude... there's no way I'm gonna eat all of this!"

"You'll find a way or I'll kill you," Sanzo muttered. "I bought it because you said you were hungry, and you're going to make it disappear."

Gojyo gulped, sweat beads dotting his forehead. "Shit..." He tied his hair back with the little rubber band around his wrist and picked up his chopsticks. "I'm gonna fuck that monkey up at least six different ways for this!"

Hakkai laughed quietly and poured himself some tea before taking a larger portion than he usually would have. Gojyo was going to be sick if he ate all this food by himself. He was willing to do a few extra sit ups if it meant keeping the room from smelling like regurgitated Chinese food.

Dinner was a very quiet affair. Very civilized for a change. Without Goku there the help him, Gojyo wasn't irritating Sanzo in the least. There wasn't much conversation other than polite inquiries about the food from their waitress and an occassional conversation point. Hakkai helped himself to an equally large seconds, drawing a glare from Sanzo when the monk realized he was trying to help Gojyo out. Gojyo, already having eaten three extremely generous servings, was looking at the fourth like it was the most vile thing he'd ever seen. A soft click from the monk next to him and suddenly he couldn't stop shoveling the food in his mouth.

"You know, it's really not fair to force someone to be a glutton," Hakkai remarked, meeting Sanzo's firm glare with one of his own.

"You're acting like I have a gun to his head," Sanzo returned sarcastically, lip lifting into a sneer.

Hakkai knew it was pointless to argue with him. He'd have better luck asking a brick wall to move. Sighing again, he set his chopsticks down, folded his napkin neatly and stood up. "I'm going to go check on Goku. He needs to have a hot meal just as much as the rest of us."

Gojyo was quicky to jump from the table, but a little slow to catch up. He stumbled after Hakkai, clutching his stomach. "Shit... I'm dying, 'Kai!"

"I doubt you're really _dying_, Gojyo," he laughed.

"He will die if he doesn't finish that food," a deathly cold voice said behind them.

Both men jumped in surprise, not having heard Sanzo get up and follow them as well. "For the luva GOD, make more noise, would ya?" Gojyo hollered, hand going to his chest as he leaned against Hakkai's shoulder. "Scared the shit outta me!"

"Hmph, maybe if you paid more attention you would have noticed."

"I'm a little surprised, Sanzo," Hakkai remarked as they continued down the hall to their room. "I didn't think you were all that worried about Goku."

"I'm not. I ran out of cigarettes."

Oh... well, that made more sense than the monk being worried for his charge! How silly of him to make that assumption. It was while he was getting the key out of his pocket that he bumped into Gojyo's tense back. Peering around his friend's shoulder, he noticed the look of extreme concentration on the red-head's face. "Gojyo?"

"Shh," he said firmly.

The safety clicking off told him Sanzo was alert as well. Hakkai remained still, listening intently. There! What was that?

_BUMP, BUMP... BUMP!_

Was someone banging on the wall of their room? There was no youkai aura that he could pick up, and out of the three of them the only one nearly as sensitive to it as him was Sanzo. Slowly, they began to creep forward, Gojyo motioning Hakkai in front of him so that he could unlock the door. Hakkai pressed his back to the wall on one side, Sanzo moved to the other, his gun pointed at the ceiling for the time being. There was a faint rattle as Gojyo summoned his shakujo. Hakkai met Sanzo's eyes. "On three," he mouthed. the blonde nodded, violet eyes narrowed.

One...

_BUMP! BUMP, BUMP, BUMP!_

Hakkai fitted the key into the lock. The noise inside got more insistant. Two...

_Bump... **BUMP!**_

Three!

He opened the door quickly. Sanzo spun down onto one knee, gun aimed. Except... there was no one there. No one except...

Gojyo burst out laughing, running a hand through his hair as he casually walked into the room. "Oh man, oh MAN! Did you get yourself into a pickle!"

"THIS ISN'T FUNNY," Goku hollered, golden eyes blazing angrily. Hakkai quickly hid his smile behind his hand, turning away so the boy wouldn't see the laughter break through. This was just too much! Sanzo's face registered shock before even the monk was smirking.

"Hey... are those MY handcuffs?" Gojyo demanded, still laughing hard enough that his face was starting to turn red.

Goku's cheeks flamed up in embarassment. And he had every right to be embarassed! On one wrist were the shiny silver 'trick' handcuffs from his magic kit. On the other were fuzzy tiger striped ones. And both were connected to the head board of the bed. He was spread out on the rumpled bed like a virgin sacrifice to a bondage cult.

"How in the hell did you do this?" Sanzo asked, shutting the door and locking it. Hakkai pressed his forehead to the wall, trying desperately to get control of himself.

"Well, I figured out the card trick," the boy began as Gojyo finally fell to his knees, laughing so hard now that he couldn't get enough breath to make a sound. "So I moved on to the handcuffs. 'Cept, when I locked one hand up, I couldn't figure out how to work the little latch thingy."

"So far... it's understandable," Hakkai said, finally gaining some measure of control over himself. "But... what about the other ones?"

"Oh..." The blush darkened. "Well, you always tell me to retrace my steps if I'm missin' something, an' it made sense to do that here, too. Y'know, recreate the problem. I remembered seein' these in Gojyo's bag once, and it was sittin' right next to the bed. So... I recreated the problem only to give myself ANOTHER problem. And I've been bangin' the stupid headboard against the wall for, like, and hour! And you guys didn't even get worried I was starvin' up here! I'm soooo hungry!" His stomach gurgled as if on command.

"Monkey logic... too much... gotta breathe..." This was all said by Gojyo as he still lay dying on the floor. Tears were squeezing through his tightly shut eyes.

Snarling, Sanzo kicked the kappa in the ribs. "Get up, piece of shit! Give him the key already!"

"OW! You prick!" Gojyo peeled himself off the floor, rubbing his ribs as he dug through his bag. "Keys, keys, keys..."

Sanzo and Hakkai exchanged looks. The monk crossed his arms over his chest. "I don't know how that kinky shit works."

"And you think I do?" Hakkai replied.

"Yes, you do, Sanzo!" Goku piped up from the bed. Gojyo began to snicker again, shoulders hunching over his bag as he struggled to keep it in. "What about that time when Gojyo was tryin' to-,"

**BANG!**

Both Gojyo and Goku jumped as the bullet sunk into the wall right between their heads. Hakkai quickly hid his shock when violet eyes whirled around on him, promising death if he so much as dare asked. So... Sanzo was into the leather and stuff. How interesting for someone who was raised in a Buddhist temple. He looked up when Sanzo sighed and went over to the bed.

The blonde put one knee by Goku's shoulder and the other in the middle of his chest to keep him from squirming. Without the robes, it looked very much like something else... Hakkai felt his cheeks burn up. Oh dear, he truly hoped no one would come in right NOW! He checked the lock again to be sure before going over to the bed. Goku was squirming and 'ow'ing over something Sanzo was doing.

"Goddamn idiot... what you deserve..."

"Having trouble, Sanzo?" Hakkai asked, climbing up on the bed. He absently put a hand to Goku's knee when the boy's leg jerked in a direction that would have cause Hakkai a lot of pain. And he kept his hand there to prevent and future jerks from occuring. That was one type of pain he DIDN'T need to experience to grow from!

Sanzo was trying to squeeze Goku's wrist out of the narrow metal band. He sat back, scowling as Goku stared at his bruised arm. "The emergency latch is busted. The dumb shit must have stepped on it or something."

"I see. What about the one attached to the head board?"

Sanzo leaned up and over, examining the loop going around one of the posts. Then he smacked Goku in the head.

"OW! Why the hell did you do that? I'm dyin' from hunger and hitting me isn't helping!"

"You broke BOTH latches, you stupid monkey!"

"I didn't MEAN to!"

"Haha! Got the key!" Gojyo triumphantly held up the small metal object before jumping up onto the bed as well. Hakkai continued to hold Goku's knee in place as Sanzo continued to pull, while Gojyo knelt between Goku and the wall.

"OW!" Goku's body arched away from Sanzo as the blonde pulled extra hard on his hand.

"SHIT!" Gojyo quickly saved himself from the boy's knee. "Hakkai, sit on him or something! I'm not having my balls cracked by an idiot ape!"

"ARG... Shut UP!" Goku shouted back, yanking roughly out of Sanzo's grip to try and lunge for Gojyo.

Sanzo planted a firm hand to his shoulders, slamming him back into the mattress. "Stay still, dumb ass! Hakkai, keep his legs still."

"Okay. Please, don't do anything sudden, Goku," Hakkai begged before swinging one leg over Goku's thighs so that he was straddling him. He kept his legs as tight to Goku's as possible, thus making sure the boy couldn't move his legs more than a fraction of an inch.

Gojyo was trying to fit the key in the lock while Sanzo kept trying to twist Goku's arm at impossible angles. Goku's bodu bucked again and Hakkai had to press his palms down on his stomach to keep him from moving more.

"I can't see what the fuck I'm doing if you keep movin' around," Gojyo shouted.

"I'm not doin' it on purpose! Sanzo's hurting me!"

Sanzo sat back, frowning thoughtfully. Hakkai and Gojyo both waited. Maybe he had an idea... "Gojyo?"

"Yeah?" the red-head drawledslowly, giving the monk a narrow-eyed, skeptical look.

"Do you have any lube?"

"HUH?" Both Hakkai and Gojyo gaped at him, too stunned by the question. What could Sanzo possibly want with lubricant- oh... "Oh, I see," Hakkai said, chuckling softly at his misuderstanding. "You're going to use the lube on Goku's wrist to pull it out."

Sanzo's frown turned confused. "What else would I- oh. Goddamn perverts! Just get me the fucking lube."

"My bag's by the bed, asswipe. Get it yourself," Gojyo muttered, bending low over Goku's wrist. "Damn it... this fucking lock is- oh, shit!"

Hakkai and Sanzo both turned to Gojyo in alarm, Sanzo already pouring a small amount of lubricant into his hand. "What happened?" he demanded.

"I dropped the damn key," Gojyo said, leaning forward so that he was almost stretched out next to Goku. "It fell behind the bed. I've almost got it..."

**_CRASH!_**

Everyone looked up as the window exploded inward and youkai fanned out in the room. The leader grinned wickedly, yellowed teeth dripping with saliva. "Prepare to die- oh. Uh... this is...huh..."

Snarling, Sanzo reached for his gun... only to have it slip out of his slicked hand. "Motherfucker! Hakkai, get him!"

Hakkai formed a ball of chi, but the youkai were already diving head first out the window they'd just made their grand entrance through.

Everyone remained frozen in the positions they were in at the start of the fight. Goku picked his head up off the pillow, mouth twisted into a little frown. "Okay... I KNOW this looks bad!"

"Great, as if we need any more rumors spread about us," Sanzo muttered. "Now we're going to have every queer from here to India hitting on us!"

"Don't they do that anyway, Your Holiness?" Gojyo teased.

"You're lucky my gun's over there, you worthless kappa!"

Hakkai sighed heavily as they continued to work to free Goku. Maybe if they were quick about it, they could track the youkai down and kill them before any rumors DID spread.

* * *

Kougaiji's eyes narrowed as the assassins came running back into Houtu Castle, eyes wide and wild. They were still alive. Sanzo would never have just let them go. If they weren't dead then maybe they actually managed to get the sutra. Something told him that wasn't the case.

As they fell to their knees before him, he crossed his arms over his chest. Yaone and Dokugakuji stood just behind him. He knew without asking they were just as confused by the return of the latest assassins as he was. "Well? Did you engage the Sanzo party?"

"Y-Yes... sort of... I mean, we kinda...," the leader babbled.

"Then give me a full report!"

The leader turned red and wouldn't meet his gaze. "My lord prince, please don't ask me to-,"

"If you fought them, I need to know what happened. Give me your report, and don't skip any details. That's a order!"

Gulping, the leader began his tale.

Later, as Kougaiji sat alone in his room, he thought back over the long and VERY detailed report the subordinate had given him. Well... that certainly answered a lot of questions!


	17. A Rude Awakening

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This chapter was requested by Greyliliy. If anyone else wants to put in a request, you are more than welcomed to do so! And, now, ladies and gentlemen...

* * *

"This is bullshit! I'm not sharing a room with Goku! Move it, kappa!" Sanzo slammed his hip into Gojyo's side, trying to push passed the red head into the room beyond.

"Fuck off, monk! I bought this room with my own money and I intend to sleep in it. PEACEFULLY!" Gojyo shouted back, twisting his hip around in hopes of nailing Sanzo square in the groin.

"Like hell you paid for it! That tart at the front was practically drooling on herself!"

"Hey, she was a fucking cute blonde. Unlike SOME blondes I know! Now, move it, asshole!"

"Kiss my ass!"

The two continued to struggle a bit further, Hakkai leaning against the wall across from them and not doing anything to stop it, like he normally would have. Unfortunately, today his eyes were puffy and sore, his skin a very unhealthy shade of yellow and his nose red and very raw looking. He sniffled, rubbing the back of his neck to try and ease the almost dizzying effects of the headache. He'd caught a flu strain in the last town and was now paying heavily for the fact that he'd continued to press on for as long as he did. After three deays of traveling with a headache and a cough so violent even Sanzo refused to sit up front with him, they'd been forced to stop here and let him recover.

Gojyo finally broke free, squeezing through to doorway and slamming the door in Sanzo's face, nearly taking the monk's fingers with it. "HAHA, asshole! Have fun with your monkey!"

"Eat shit and die!" Sanzo emptied his gun into the door. And when his gun was empty he gave it a violent kick, ignoring the pain in his foot as the solid door refused to budge. His gaze slid over to Hakkai and Goku, who were both leaning against the wall now. Goku's eyes were as big as plates and Hakkai looked barely conscious he was so exhausted. Damn it! If he shared a room with Hakkai, he'd be kept up by the other man coughing. If he shared a room with Goku, he'd be kept up by the kid snoring. Basically, anyway he looked at it, his rest for the evening was fucked.

"Sabzo, I'b so sorreh," Hakkai sniffled, letting out a particularly violent cough which he quickly covered with a tissue. "I tink I'b go to bed. Please seb some tea ub for meh." He dragged himself down the hallway to his room, sniffling the entire time.

Snarling, Sanzo reloaded and considered just shooting Hakkai in the back. Between driving like a maniac, getting lost and now getting sick, the man was quickly becoming a nuisance. He reconsidered this option, however, when Hakuryuu came whizzing in, cooing at his owner in concern. If it weren't for the fact he didn't want to walk to India... Sighing, he glanced over at Goku, who was grinning with big, excited eyes.

"You do anything at all to wake me up, your last meal is going to be lead, got it?" he bit out.

Goku nodded eagerly. "I promise! It's been forever since we shared a room. It'll be just like back at the temple and it'll be fun and I promise I'll be quiet and-,"

Sanzo tuned out as the dialog continued without him. He unlocked the door to their room and dropped his bag on his bed, preparing himself for another long night without any sleep.

* * *

Dinner was the usual affair. Order everything on the menu, Gojyo purposely going for the same egg roll as Goku, Goku shoving Gojyo who in turn shoves back, and Sanzo shouting death threats while whacking them with the paper fan. The only thing missing was a pleasantly sarcastic remark from Hakkai, who was currently in his room having another coughing fit. It was absolute hell... as was to be expected.

Sanzo grit his teeth, fingers shaking as he fought not to snap another cigarette in two. Gojyo kept casually stretching his long arm out and poking Goku on the far shoulder. Goku would turn to look, missing the Gojyo's chopsticks snatch out and remove a bit of steak, a chunk of shrimp, a whole dumpling. The kid would then turn back around, stare his plate for a second, look at Gojyo's and then shrug before he continued eating. Pathetic. And when the red head wasn't playing childish tricks on Goku, he was too busy flirting with the waitress to notice Goku quickly sneak items off HIS plate.

"So, you're a card player, huh?" one of the ladies purred, leaning over Gojyo's shoulder to give everyone within a twenty mile radius either a shot up her short skirt or a shot down her low top. Sanzo loudly scraped his chair away from the whores at their table. Three of them, none of them in any way attractive unless a guy happened to like dyed hair, big tits and no brains. He glared when the brunette leaned in closer to him.

"Your friend's hot, too. So, wanna get those pretty white robes a little dirty?" she said suggestively. Gods, her perfume was enough to kill a small elephant before sending the rest of the herd into a panic!

"I'd rather stab myself in the eye with a spoon, thanks," he replied none too gently.

The woman backed away with a very offended expression on her face. Good.

"Pay no attention to him, sweetie. He gets cranky when he doesn't get his nap," Gojyo quickly covered, giving her an inviting smile as he stood up. "Come on, let's you me and these other ladies all take a walk down to the nearest bar. Drinks on me. Oh, and don't wait up, guys!"

All the women squealed in delight, chattering like crazy as they surrounded him and left the inn.

Sanzo threw his chopsticks down, staring at the half eaten lo mein and wishing he'd had enough sense three years ago to have just shot the stupid kappa dead between the eyes. Fucking son of a bitch! Gojyo'd taken the last free room and now here he was not even using it because he'd be out all night with those whores. DAMN IT!

Goku slurped down the rest of his soup, setting the bowl aside and stared wistfully at Sanzo's plate. "Are you gonna eat that?" he asked, licking his lips.

Sanzo pushed the plate over. "Knock yourself out." He wasn't hungry anyway. All he could think about was the sleep he wouldn't be getting tonight. Stubbing out the cigarette, he stood up and left the table. Maybe he could get a few minutes in while Goku finished eating.

A chair scraping and hurried footsteps told him that plan just got shot straight to hell. Goku ran up beside him, wiping his mouth still. "Hey, you almost left me by myself," he laughed.

"Gee, how careless of me," he replied dryly. Gods, was it really such an extraordinary request to have his own room? He fought alongside them, fought against them, ate with them, traveled all day with them... why couldn't they understand he needed time alone and without ANY of them around? Unlocking the door, he stepped back when Goku rushed by him and into the room, flopping onto his bed and hugging his pillow tightly. He was already making happy noises, how wonderful.

"Mmm... these pillows are really nice," Goku commented sitting up to kick his shoes off.

Sanzo shut the door and went straight for the bathroom. "You've got ten minutes to get yourself settled and ready to sleep. And remember what I said earlier about any noise whatsoever!" Not that the threat was going to do much good. It was inevitable that Goku would move around or something during the night.

Sure enough, he wasn't disappointed. They were both in their own beds, Sanzo facing the door, Goku curled up in a tight ball with the covers pulled over his head. Twenty minutes went by without a moan, creak, cough, snore... nothing. He was very nearly asleep, eyes heavy and sore for want of it, when into the stillness there came...

"Meatbuns... pot stickers..." The list of food went on, intertwined with the occassional snore.

"Damn it all," he muttered, pulling the pillow over his head. If anything, that only made the noises worse. And then, the kid began his rolling around and tossing, making the bed creak and the head board thunk against the wall loudly. This was ridiculous. Here he was, ready to beg for a night's rest without interuption, sharing a room with the loudest member of their party... and the one room sitting empty tonight was occupied by an asshole who wasn't even going to use it. Damn Gojyo, damng Goku, and damn Hakkai just for good measure!

Sanzo rolled over onto his back, staring up at the cracks in the ceiling, eyes following the water stains all the way to the window frame. He winced when Goku gave a particularly violent snort, followed by the worste thing that the kid could have done then... a fart. "Shit! You little bastard," he muttered, whipping his pillow across the room to smack Goku in the head. Golden eyes parted open slightly, drool hanging from an open mouth, but Goku never woke up. Instead, he grabbed the extra pillow and muttered something about spring rolls running fast.

Great, he couldn't sleep, he couldn't breath and now he had no pillow. Of all the stupid things... Sanzo's eyes narrowed as a sudden idea came to him. There was one empty room. Yes, Gojyo was supposed to be using it, but the kappa had gone out. Usually, if Gojyo went out it was a good bet he wouldn't show up again until it was time to go. Which meant...

A slow, almost cruel, smile came to his lips as he swung himself out of bed, grabbed his stuff and headed for the door. The goddamn moron... and to think he'd be sleeping in a room the Gojyo'd paid out of pocket for. That about sealed the deal for him as he headed down the hall. When he came to the door, he tried the handle and wasn't disappointed when he found it locked. No matter, the locks on these doors weren't exactly high tech. He slid the credit card out, fit it between the locking mechanism and pulled it out slowly. The door clicked open. Excellent.

Sanzo dropped his stuff at the foot of the bed, kicking Gojyo's piece of shit bag under it for good measure, and put the gun on the table by the bed, the sutra between the mattress and the wall, his leather shirt and gloves on the floor and finally stretched out under the covers, pulling them up high and putting his back to the door. Normally, he wouldn't have turned away from the entrance, but Gojyo's room was a little different than his and it was easier to reach for the gun from this angle. Letting out a relieved sigh, he closed his eyes and welcomed the sleep that had been gnawing at him for a few days now.

* * *

Gojyo strolled back to the inn, alone for a change, but with a lot of more money than he'd started the evening. Oh, he wouldn't have minded taking any (or all) of those hotties to his bed, but he was still holding out for that cute little clerk at the desk. She'd said she'd stop by if she got out at a decent time. He didn't want to risk bringing some other women back and offending her. After all, she was the one who gave him the room to himself... at a discounted rate, too.

Humming, pockets full of cash, coins and items he could pawn off for more cash, he took the stairs two at a time, fishing his key out of his pocket. He slid the key into the lock on his room and turned... before frowning when he didn't hear the click of the lock sliding back. What the... Slowly, pushing the door open, back to the solid wood, his hand tightened in a fist, ready to punch the bastard who broke into his room. His eyes scanned the darkness, searching for youkai, for drunks, robbers... and then he gave a wicked smile when he saw someone was in his bed. All he could see from here was the basic shape and blonde hair peeking out from the covers. So, his instincts had been right, as usual! The clerk at the desk DID decide to show up after all.

Moving as quietly as he could so he didn't wake her, he pushed his boots off, dropping his jacket, his shirt and his bandana to the floor. His fingers worked the button and fly to his jeans open quickly, peeling off everything, including boxers, in one go. Once completely naked, he crept over to the bed, intent on waking the sleeping beauty up the best way he knew how. Slipping in behind her under the covers, he began to kiss her rather wide shoulders gently, hand snaking around her hip, pulling her back against him, and down further, further... until he found something very unexpected. "What the fuck?" he muttered. That was NOT something a normal woman should have!

"That's what I was going to ask, you fucking pervert! Get your goddamn hands off me!"

"WHAT! GAH, SANZO, WHAT THE FUCK!" Gojyo shoved the monk hard in the back, scrambling over so quickly he fell out of the bed, spitting any taste of the other man's skin from his mouth. He couldn't believe what had just happened. He'd just... he'd just... Gojyo couldn't even bring himself to say he'd just GROPED Sanzo. As soon as the words 'groped' and 'Sanzo' came together in his head, he began to holler even louder. "OH, MY GOD! YOU ASSHOLE!"

"I'M the asshole? YOU'RE the one who molested me," Sanzo shouted back, fighting with the sheets to get his gun. "You're dead now, kappa! Just as soon as I get my gun, you're going to- oh, fuck!" His knee slipped off the bed, lost in the tangled sheets and he ended up falling across Gojyo's waist, hands slapping against the wooden floor to keep himself from collapsing fully. Both froze when he came dangerously close to certain... areas... before, eyes widening in horror, Sanzo began to push himself away from what was greeting him. "And get that thing out of my face!"

"Then the get hell off-,"

The door thudded inward as it was kicked from it's hinges, Goku following it shortly, nyoi-bo ready for action. Hakkai was right behind him, still looking like death with a cold, and with a chi ball hovering in the air above his heads. It went out with a pop as both of them stood and gaped, jaws dropped. Goku's nyoi-bo clattered to the ground and he looked like he was ready to puke all over the floor. He raised an arm, pointing at the two sprawled across the floor, Gojyo very obviously naked and Sanzo wrapped up in the sheets so it was impossible to tell. No words or sounds came from his throat. All he did was point.

Hakkai, without taking his eyes from the display or the obvious rage ready to explode from Sanzo, reached over and covered Goku's eyes with one hand while prying his arm down with the other. "Let's... let's go, Goku. I think we misunderstood the situation."

"B-But, Hakkai! Did you SEE... and it was Gojyo... and Sanzo... and THEM..." Goku stuttered out.

Hakkai came back, face beet red, and picked the door up, settling it back roughly in it's rightful place. "Goodnight... I guess," he called in.

Once the two were gone, Goku still babbling incoherently, Gojyo covered his eyes with his hand and started to snicker. "It's actually pretty funny when you think about it," he commented, still laughing.

"Here's something else that's funny," Sanzo snarled.

Gojyo pulled his hand away in time for Sanzo's fist to connect with his jaw. "OW! MOTHERFUCKER!" A foot dug into his side as Sanzo struggled to get himself back on the bed.

"Put some clothing on, you goddamn pervert! And get the hell out!" he ordered before getting as comfortable as he could get with a naked, groping kappa groaning on the floor. Great, not only did he have to watch his back for enemies, now he had to watch this bastard to protect his virtue. What a wonderfully fun night!


	18. Laundry Service

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This one goes out to Crimson1. I hope you like it, m'dear!

* * *

"Goddamn it! How the hell am I supposed to go on a date with no fucking clothing?" Gojyo continued to stomp around the room in bright blue silk boxers, opening and slamming drawers shut in a futile attempt to find SOME form of clothing that wasn't now hanging from a line off the balcony. This was the first town they'd gotten to in a week after driving through desert conditions, and the very first thing Hakkai did when they'd arrived... was go through the two rooms and steal everyone's clothing to wash. Gojyo knew he shouldn't have taken the shower first! Hakkai had been way too agreeable on that fact.

Hakkai was sitting on his own bed in dark green boxers, reading a book that he looked up from time to time as Gojyo continued to mumble and tear through their luggage, the bed, under the bed... Finally, he sighed and said, "I'm sorry, Gojyo, but with the way your clothing smelled, no respectable lady would go anywhere with you."

"I don't WANT a respectable lady! I want a woman who's gonna rip my goddamn cloths off, push me on the bed, and do every wicked thing she can think of to me, and I can't do ANY of that until I at LEAST buy her dinner. And I can't buy her dinner without at LEAST some fucking pants! Shit, you didn't even leave me sweat pants to put on!"

"Actually... I threw those out."

"WHAT?" Gojyo shouted, whirling around as Hakkai quickly found interest in his book again, raising it high enough to cover his face.

"There were holes in the crotch, Gojyo."

"So, sew 'em up!"

"Yes, because that's the reason I came on this mission. To sew the crotch in sweat pants older than Goku." This wasn't said with any trace of sarcasm at all. It was said with the usual pleasant laugh, smile, and near deadly gleam to his eye as he put the book down across his stomach again.

"They are NOT older than the fucking monkey! He's, like, five-hundred or something!"

"You know what I mean. I'm not wasting my effort on something that should have been in the trash years ago."

Gojyo growled in frustration, running his fingers back through his still damp hair as he paced back and forth, thinking desperately about what to do. Aditya was going to be there soon so they could go out, and all he had was a pair of bright blue boxers. This wasn't good. His desire to get laid had moved beyond the 'need' stage and into the 'must' one. If it killed him, he was gonna get laid, no matter what! He stopped pacing, eyes narrowing as they swept over his bed. "Hey, you think I could use the sheets?"

Hakkai burst out laughing, dropping his book down again. "Gojyo, you're not Roman!"

"Well, duh! I was thinking more like robes... like Sanzo's..."

"And you're not going to cosplay as a monk, either."

He threw his arms out in frustration before flopping onto his bed. "Then think of something, damn it! You're the reason I'm not gonna get my nookie tonight!"

"I'm doing you a favor and not letting you leave this town smelling like cheese stuck to the bottom of Goku's sock. You wouldn't get any 'nookie' smelling like that anyway."

Gojyo glared at him, but was unable to argue with his logic. Image was everything, and if he didn't look or smell good to the ladies... "And there's no way I smelled worse than the monkey," he mumbled.

"Gojyo, we ALL smelled bad enough that the inn keeper charged us double for these rooms. In fact, I'm pretty sure he wanted to throw us all out for being vagrants until he saw Sanzo's sutra."

Gojyo continued to huff as he scanned the basic room. Two beds with sheets, the towel from his hair (which he was sure Hakkai would veto since he already said 'no' to the sheets), a table with a vase of flowers and a rug. Oh, and dripping wet laundry on the line. "And you're positive they're all still really wet?"

"I just checked them five minutes ago, but feel free to check them again yourself."

He knew Hakkai was getting a little irritated and had suggested that to be funny, but he did anyway and found every stitch and thread still way too wet to wear out. Damn it all, what kind of place didn't have a laundromat? Hakkai continued to pretend to ignore him, even though it was obvious in the tightness around the healer's jaw that he was getting ready to throw the book at his head. Hey, if he'd only left Gojyo SOME clothing, he wouldn't be this annoyed!

Gojyo continued to pace the room, lighting a cigarette to help him think. Hakkai continued to read. The clock continued to tick on the wall into the silence that was punctuated by floor boards creaking. What to do, what to do...

A knock came to the door.

Both of them froze, eyes widening a little. Clearing his voice, Gojyo called, "Yeah?" Shit, don't let it be his date, don't let it be...

"It's Aditya. Can I come in?"

It was his date. FUUUUUCK! Gojyo whipped from left to right, trying to think of something. Hakkai was now standing and looking a bit lost as to what to do, and also a little red to know there was a female on the other side of the door and he wasn't exactly decent. Oh, gods... an idea suddenly sprang to life and Gojyo grabbed Hakkai's arm roughly. "Come on, get moving," he hissed, hoping Aditya wouldn't hear him.

"Gojyo, what-," Hakkai began to argue as he was shoved into the closet with his book still in his hand.

"Look, just stay there, be quiet and don't-" He looked up when she knocked on the door again. "COMING!" He turned back to Hakkai, eyes wide and begging. "Don't move."

Hakkai caught on to what he was doing and immediately shook his head, cheeks flaming to an even brighter shade of red. "No, absolutely not, Gojyo! I will NOT sit in this closet while you... and she... and... no!" Dear God, the very idea of listening to that, being in the same room when they...

Gojyo gave him his very best, cutest puppy dog eyes look. "Come on, for me, man? All I'm asking is that you stay here until I get her into the bathroom for a candle lit bath, and then you can rush to the stupid monk and monkey's room."

Hakkai glanced at the door as the woman knocked again, then glanced back at Gojyo's pleading face. He sighed, and dropped to the floor of the closet, not looking at all pleased. "Alright, but please get her in there fast."

He flashed a quick grin and a wink and said, "Hey, you know me. Five minutes and you're free to come out." He shut the closet door on Hakkai and ran for the door and the woman on the other side.

Aditya looked less than pleased when he finally opened the door, giving her his most charming grin and leaning on the door frame to show off his body a bit more. As he'd expected, her eyes drifted down his frame and softened before taking on an aroused glow. "Hey... sorry about that."

"Oh... that's okay. Actually, it's better than okay. I, uh..." Her eyes continued to drift lower, down his abs, stopping when they came to his thighs before she swallowed a little. "I see you weren't just boasting back in town."

Gojyo stepped away from the door to let her in, grin widening. "I'd never lie to a pretty girl. Listen, sorry about coming to the door like this. Had a bit of an accident and the dry cleaner didn't get my clothing done in time."

"That's alright," she exclaimed quickly, still lookinver over her shoulder at, eyes heating up even more when he put himself a little closer to her. "Um... so... I guess we could... stay in tonight. You could always just take me out for... for breakfast."

"I like that idea. Smart as well as beautiful." Her eyes closed as he leaned down to kiss her, hands resting on her hips. She responded instantly, kissing him back, her little tongue darting out to run along his lips, fingers fisting in his hair. Yeah... that's just what he wanted. Aditya moaned a little in protest as he drew back. "Say, why don't we-,"

"I'm already ahead of you," she breathed out, stepping out of his embrace with a sensual smile gracing her lips. "Just give me five minutes in the bathroom to get... comfortable."

Gojyo's smile turned wicked a split second before it faded completely, his eyes going wide in fear. Oh, shit... "Uh, Aditya, honey, that's not the bath-,"

Aditya's hand curled over the closet door and opened it before he could get his warning out completely. She turned to enter, still smiling over her shoulder, screaming and jumping nearly a mile when she was confronted with Hakkai curled on the floor of the closet, red all the way down his chest with his book propped against his knees. "W-What the..."

"Oh... hello," Hakkai tried as pleasantly as he could, hunching himself further into the closet. "Please, don't mind me."

She spun around, jaw dropped in outrage as she faced Gojyo, her breasts rising and falling angrily. Gojyo's stomach knotted up as he winced under that fierce gaze. "Look, let me explain. See, you remember how I said the laundry wasn't done yet-,"

"Don't even TRY that with me, you pervert!" she screamed. "You and your sick friend can just blow each other!" Aditya stormed over to the door with Gojyo following behind her, trying to get her to listen. He was NOT gay, why couldn't she understand that?

"Hey, babe, just hold on a- WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?"

Aditya screamed again when she nearly collided with Goku and Sanzo standing outside the door in their boxers, both looking decidedly annoyed.

"We want our clothing back, ya damned cockroach pervert," Goku shouted.

Gojyo glanced over at Aditya as her eyes became impossibly round. Her lips moved but nothing came out for a little while. Shit, this wasn't good at all... "FOUR of you? Good gods, what the hell do you need ME for when you've got four damn boyfriends?" she railed.

"It's not like that, if you'd just let me-," Gojyo began, trying to give her the puppy dog eyes that usually worked on Hakkai. It didn't look like it was going to be successful twice in one day.

"I mean, how much sex do you NEED in one day? Four... men... aren't enough for you?" she continued.

"What the hell is this bitch talking about?" Sanzo demanded coldly, pushing his way passed her and into the room as if he owned it. "Hakkai, where the fuck are my robes? And what the hell are you doing in the closet? Don't tell me you've gone kinky like that asshole there."

"Hello, Sanzo. Hey, Goku," Hakkai called, still sitting on the floor of the closet to preserve what little dignity he had left in front of a complete stranger. It was fine and good if the others were comfortable parading around in their underwear, but one simply didn't do that in front of a lady they'd only just met under very... dubious... conditions.

"HEY, that's not why he's in-," Gojyo began to shout desperately. Aditya was slowly shaking her head and backing away with the most angry look he'd seen on a woman in years.

"Come on, water sprite, where're my pants?" Goku continued, shoving Gojyo roughly. "I know you've got 'em in here, an' I want 'em back!"

"Will you shut it, you little monkey?" he growled, trying to clamp a hand over the kid's mouth and stop him from saying anything else incriminating.

"EW! Lemme go, ya pervert! Stop gropin' me!" Goku struggled and finally broke free. And that was it for his date. Hands raised in the signal of her giving up, she marched off toward the stairs.

Gojyo tried to push his way by the kid as Aditya ran off, muttering about 'queer bastards' and such. Damn it, he had to get to her NOW and explain what was going! "Aditya, wait! HEY! Lemme buy you a drink and expl- Aw, FUCK!" The door to the inn slammed shut after her. He stomped back into the room, slamming the door himself before dropping onto the bed and covering his face with the pillow. Great, now she was going to go tell her girl friends, who were going to tell their girl friends, which meant he was not going to be getting ANY sort of female action at all in this town. And it was all because hakkai couldn't stand a little stink. Goddamn it all to hell!

"Hey... what's his problem?" Sanzo muttered.

"We sort of ruined his date," Hakkai answered tactfully.

"Well, WE want our clothing back now," Goku piped up. "The room service people kept lookin' at me funny, an' I think it's cuz I don't have pants. How'm I supposed to eat without cloths?"

Gojyo picked his head up and whipped the pillow at the kid, taking him dead in the face. Hadn't he JUST asked Hakkai a very similar question earlier? "SHUT THE FUCK UP, MONKEY! WHO GIVES TWO SHITS ABOUT YOUR GODDAMN STOMACH?"

"I DO! SHUT UP YOURSELF, YOU NASTY KAPPA!"


	19. Wanna Bet?

"Kenren."

"Tenpou."

The general fell into easy step alongside the field marshal, shoulders slouched just slightly and hands behind his back. The sun was out and brilliantly shining against a perfect blue backdrop. Jasmine and lilac scented the air as the gentle breeze carried those same flower petals along with it, twirling in a delicate line across the enormous courtyard. People smiled everywhere and walked in small groups, some of them arm-in-arm. Just another fucking day in paradise. Kenren's gaze quirked over at a smell that had nothing to do with flowers. Tenpou lit one of his cigarettes up, blowing the dark grey smoke into the same petal-carrying breeze. He either didn't see or was ignoring the glares directed at him as that same smoke smacked into the faces of people passing by. He was betting that it was ignored if that little smile was any indication.

"So... got plans this afternoon?" Kenren questioned, letting the smoke wrap around his own nose. Tenpou never smoked cheap tobacco. Hand rolled and hand blended by himself, collected secretly from the lower world. He had a different blend for each mood, and Kenren had hung around him long enough to identify the difference. Today was the chocolate cherry one, which meant he was bored to the point that he was probably planning something devious. One could only hope at any rate.

"No, nothing beyond sending this poison into the perfect air," he drawled, tucking his long hair back behind one ear as he ashed to the side and directly into the delicate rose bushes growing along the path. The servant tending them looked horrified but refrained from saying anything. Tenpou was, after all, a field marshall in the Heavenly Army. It wasn't wise to fuck with anyone who had rank. Not that it ever stopped him from doing it on occassion. Especially when he was as bored as he was now. It was make life hell for the higher ranking officers, or find something soft and willing to screw. He didn't feel like making life hell, which meant screwing was his only option. That new ambassador had a pretty smokin' new wife. She was always complaining about her caligraphy skills being horrible. As a gentleman, it would be his duty to help her...

Kenren chuckled, watching his boots carry him further down this path. "It's not poison if you can't die from it, you know," he replied, returning from very pleasant thoughts back to the conversation at hand. He could track her down a little later. Maybe Tenpou had something devious in mind that would be just as entertaining.

The other man sighed, lips twisting into a grimace of dismay. "More's the pity." If anyone else had been listening in, that comment would have been seen as macabre and 'just awful'. To anyone who knew the field marshall, though, it was fairly normal. Just another one of his kinks.

Kenren's relatively improved humor faded as a host of five guards and one pompous looking official with the Jade Emperor's seal hanging from his neck came up to them, all wearing expressions that said they meant 'business'. He rolled his eyes and let out a healthy string of cusses under his breath when they effectively blocked their path, the guards standing at perfect attention with their shoulders straight and hands clasped tightly behind their backs. He already knew what they were going to bitch about, and for once it wasn't anything he'd done.

Tenpou stopped walking, eyebrows raising as if he were genuinely surprised to see they couldn't go any further in their impromtu stroll. Or maybe he wasn't faking the surprise... it was so damn hard to tell with the man sometimes. The cigarette drooped a little between his lips and looked as if it needed to be ashed soon with the mass of sizzled grey hanging on the end.

The official looking man drew his rather squat frame up and puffed out his chest, dark eyes gleaming distastefully at the two. "Field Marshal Tenpou, several complaints have been made within the last five minutes in regards to your smoking inside the open courtyard."

"Really? I certainly didn't complain. Did you, Kenren?"

Kenren flashed a wicked grin as Tenpou flicked the ash off onto the walk way between them and the official. "Nope. Didn't say a word."

The official spluttered a little, cheeks tinging a little red as his eyes followed the fluttering grey pieces. "You _know_ the smoking of tobacco is strictly prohibited inside the Jade Emperor's private facilities!"

"I can find something else to smoke," Tenpou answered helpfully with a bright, friendly smile. "There's a delightful little plant in the lower world that's supposed to have the most wonderfully calming effect-,"

"There is to be NO SMOKING ANYWHERE within these walls," the man practically screamed. "You are being asked just this once to put that thing out or you will be brought before the Emperor himself."

Kenren took a slight step away from his friend when his eyes, usually the exact shade of jade, narrowed and turned to a darker emerald. Tenpou was edging toward being pissed. A very good reason for not standing directly next to him as he got a little unpredictable in this mood. The guards behind the official began to fan out a little, picking up on the dangerous vibe from the other man. Kenren relaxed his hands and very casually stepped one foot back in case he needed to quickly duck into a defensive position. This was very quickly going badly and all because some beaurocratic fuck-faced morons couldn't stand a little cigarette smoke in their perfect sky. Heaven, a supposed paradise. Too bad it had more rules and regulations than a temple full of virgin priestess, and was tighter than a straight man's ass at a gay sex party.

His breath left him in relief as Tenpou took a final drag, calmly blew the smoke out (it was purely accidental that it hit the official's face, of course) and flicked the butt somewhere out into the grass. "My apologies. Excuse us, General Kenren and I have a very pressing engagement... don't we, General?"

"Whatever you say, Field Marshal," he answered before dropping his arm around the slightly shorter man's shoulders. "So, if you ladies wouldn't mind stepping to one side?" The look he gave the guards dared them to make the first move. Tenpou had complied with the request to douse the smoke. If they pressed it now, they could all be discharged for creating a scene, attacking officers, disrupting the peace and dishonoring the Jade Emperor's name. All of which were charges brought against him before, so he knew what exactly was at stake. He'd gotten off on sheer charm that time... and the fact that his testimony to the event took all of two whole days to get through. The judges had said they didn't want a recess until he was done. It was their own damn fault it took that long. By the time he finished speaking, he had no voice left and had bored the judges so badly they just let him off to get the hell out of there.

One big guy, ugly even for a god, took a half step forward before a comrade held him back, whispering harshly in his ear. The man glared at them as they went by, Kenren digging the insult in further by winking at the man and giving him a once-over stare that usually made the women sigh. The onyl reaction he got from the guard was a faint growl and a darker glare. They continued their unhurried stroll, rounding a corner between buildings so that they were out of sight of the guards as quickly as possible without it looking suspicious. As soon as they were around the corner, Kenren let out a string of curses, using every combination he'd ever heard and making some up as he went along. Tenpou calmly lit another cigarette, leaning against the building to watch the general rage on.

"Damned jerk offs," he railed even though he knew he wasn't going to get a response to the tirade. "So _what_ if you're smoking? It's not like it's gonna kill anyone up here! What the fuck do they expect us to do, walk around like happy little zombies? For fuck's sake!"

"They were only doing their job, Kenren. You can't get mad at lemmings for doing the only thing they know how to do."

"Then I hope like hell they go find a cliff to fall right off! Son of a bitch... everyone here's either so blissed out they can't tell their brains from their own shit or they're puppets with hands up their asses! Not that anyone can get their hand up there with everyone being so tight-assed!"

Tenpou took a deep pull on the cigarette and smiled patiently. "Not everyone's a tight-ass."

"Okay, you're not so bad," Kenren conceded, raking his fingers back through his hair. "And that kid, Goku. He's not so uptight either."

"Konzen's not so bad."

That made him burst out laughing, thought it wasn't entirely out of amusement. "Konzen Douji? You've gotta be kidding me! There's a damned good reason the man doesn't get laid, and that's because he's so fucking frigid! Being sealed away in an iceberg is warmer than he is."

The look that came over Tenpou's face was one of absolute, careful blankness. Years of practicing politics had developed it so that he could pull it out at a moment's notice and make that stillness look perfectly natural. "You think Konzen's frigid?" he questioned curiously.

"Not think, know. I know he's a fucking ice cube."

"From personal experience or mere observation?"

Kenren glared at his friend and tried to decide if the man was being funny or was sincerely curious. He didn't honestly think he'd swing the way of that bitchy blonde, did he? Deciding the joking route was the best way to go, he chuckled and said, "I have a knack for knowing these things. I'd bet if we were to ask around that not a single person can claim they've actually kissed the anti-social prick."

"What would you bet?" Tenpou drawled easily.

"Eh?"

"What would you bet?" he repeated, taking another slow hit.

He blinked, confused for a second. Wait... was Tenpou... "I don't know. Why? And what does it matter, seeing as no one has or could?"

"I bet I could kiss him."

Now THAT was hysterical! Kenren burst out laughing, falling against the side of the building opposite Tenpou and clutching his sides. Tears stung his eyes and squeezed out unchecked as he doubled over. No way was that possible! He didn't think Konzen had ever kissed a woman before, but that didn't mean he liked men more. Konzen Douji seemed to have an overall dislike for anyone making any type of overture to him. Friendship or otherwise, he wasn't the type a person could walk right up to and shake hands with. Tenpou was definately joking on this one!

Wasn't he?

His laughter began to fade away when he noticed the field marshal's very serious face. Oh... shit. He wasn't kidding. "No. No, hell _no_! There is no way short of a hand written directive from the Jade Emperor himself that Konzen would e_ver_ let you plant him one! Absolutely no way."

Tenpou stubbed his cigarette out against the building, a challenging smile and gleam coming to his eyes. "You think not?"

"I KNOW not!"

"Then let's make a friendly wager. Around this time tomorrow, I'll be in my office lip-locked with Konzen Douji. _With_ tongue."

Kenren blinked, gaped, shook his head and then gaped some more. Tenpou was serious about this. He was one hundred percent fucking serious that he'd somehow get Konzen to kiss him. WITH TONGUE! He knew taking the bet would be stupid. Tenpou was the type to do exactly as he said he would, but this... this was too far out there, even for the very ingenius field marshal. He'd seen Tenpou pull off some crazy shit, but this was _Konzen_. The man had only two emotions; outrage and arrogance. The outrage was usually directed at his pet monkey while the arrogance was for everyone else. This was a sure thing... so why did he feel as if something bad were going to happen if he said yes to the bet?

"You can't knock him out," he muttered, dark eyes narrowing suspiciously.

Tenpou blinked green eyes widening just a touch. This time, there was nothing fake about the surprise. "Of course I won't knock him out. That'd be rude."

"And no drugging him."

"Naturally."

"And no getting him drunk, either. He's gotta be perfectly lucid when you kiss him."

The field marshal sighed heavily and flicked his cigarette away before holding his right hand up as if swearing before a court. "I promise that I will do none of the afore mentioned things, nor anything else that might effect reasoning judgement, while kissing Konzen tomorrow at around this time." He dropped his hand and resumed his casual slouch against the building with an amused smile. "Better?"

Kenren didn't answer immediately. Instinct honed to near perfection through a millenia of martial training were screaming at him he was going to regret this and should bow out now. Logic dictated that, under the guidelines set down, there wasn't a chance he could lose this bet. Konzen Douji actually agreeing to a kiss from a man he barely knew? Yeah, and he was the Merciful Goddess! Ruffling his hair up to keep it in organized chaos (the women loved that bed-tossled look), he continued to frown thoughtfully as he hesitantly asked, "What's the wager?"

The slow smile that crept across Tenpou's face did nothing to reassure his gut. It was innocence itself, that smile, and nothing good could come from Tenpou playing innocent. Fuck... he was screwed. His question already implied that he was accepting the bet, so it was too late to back out now. "Loser does whatever the winner says for one week."

"Whatever the winner says?"

He nodded once, eyes sparking mischievously. Shit.

"So, if you told me to get down and start sucking, I'd have to do it?"

A shrug of shoulders and a decidedly more wicked smile were what he got for that. "I hadn't actually thought that far ahead, but seeing as we're 'lovers'..."

Kenren grinned and shook his head. "Why, Field Marshal, that's an unwanted sexual advance. I might have to report you."

Tenpou chuckled softly, pushing his hair back again behind his ear. "I'd love to be there when the higher ups read that report. Reason for demotion: asking a subordinate to get down and start sucking."

Just imagining the faces as the offense was read out loud was enough to make him howl with laughter. Especially if that bastard, the Dragon King, read it. The image of Gojun repeating the words 'start sucking' in his imperious voice was so good he thought he might have to file the claim anyway. Oh, the evils of boredom...

"So, is it a bet?" Tenpou pressed, holding his hand out.

Kenren stared at the extended hand for a second before another grin broke across his lips as he shook his head and grasped the hand. "You're gonna make me regret this, aren't you?"

"Oh, yes."

"Fuck."

* * *

Konzen crossed his arms over his chest, eyes appearing to be closed as a curtain of pure gold fell along either side of his face. "This is ridiculous," he complained, voice quiet but carrying enough scorn that it would have made most people cry. Unfortunately, it had little effect on the pleasantly smiling field marshal before him. "I came here to find Goku." The stupid kid had run off yet again. Most likely to find food. Heaven forbid he didn't feed the little pit for longer than five minutes.

"But isn't it fortuitous that in your search it brought you here?" Tenpou asked. The sharp snapping of latex against his wrist made the blonde crack one eye open and cast a withering glare his way. "It saves me the trouble of writing out a note, finding a servant to bring it to you only to have it ultimately get lost in all the paperwork on your desk. Then, I would have had to track you down myself-,"

"Spare me your trials and tribulations. I have things to do, just write down I'm fine and let's pretend you already examined me." He really did have too much to do, and having to keep track of Goku had caused him to fall horribly behind. The last thing he needed was a bicentennial physical to be conducted by one in the military. Why the Jade Emperor would insist on this waste of time was beyond him. It wasn't like gods got sick that often anyway.

Tenpou smiled even more brightly and moved to stand in front of him. "Arms out, shoulder height, please. I don't want to be lax in my duty, after all."

"I'm fine," he continued to grumble, even as he complied with the order and extended his arms out. Thorough hands began running over each arm, from shoulder to finger tip, tipping his head back a little to examine his throat. He knew there was a perfectly good reason to avoid this end of the palace. If he wasn't roped into cleaning (he shivered at the memory of an apron being flung unceremoniously in his face) or chasing down a stray monkey, he was cornered by someone needing something from him. As soon as he caught Goku, he was going to be beaten within a frail inch of his life!

A cold stethascope was pressed to the purple silk on his chest, causing him to jump while pleasant thoughts of hearing Goku scream over something other than food flew right out of his head. "Deep breath in and hold it." Once again, he did as he was told. Anything to get this over and done with for another fifty years!

Tenpou conducted the examine quickly and efficiently, which he was particularly grateful for. That was one thing he had to give the man credit for. If it was business, he got it taken care of in a fairly timely fashion. He turned around when told to, breathed again, allowed himself to be poked, prodded and whatever else needed to be done for the exam. It only took about ten minutes, thankfully.

As the field marshal began writing up his report, Konzen ran his hands along the gloves covering his arms, smoothed out any creases in his tunic and arched a brow questioningly. "Is that all?" he demanded, lips forever twisted into an arrogant pout.

"Mm... just one more thing and we're set. A new procedure, actually. Throat exam."

A throat exam... what in the name of all that was holy did he need a throat exam for? "Is that really necessary? I'm talking, you said my lungs sounded clear. What do you need to check my throat for?"

Tenpou continued to write on his clip board, pushing his glasses up once as they started to slip down the bridge of his narrow nose. "Oh, you know, the usual. Even gods can catch bronchitis."

"I've never once had bronchitis."

"It's a new test, just developed within the last twenty years. They said the bicentennial exams were a good way of implementing it into standard procedure."

For the love of... What didn't the man understand? He was BUSY. He had to find the MONKEY. He wasn't SICK. A low, frustrated growl came from his throat as he recrossed his arms over his chest.

"Oh, dear... that didn't sound good at all. Are you certain you've never had bronchitis?" the dark haired man questioned worriedly.

"Of course I'm certain!" he snapped, glaring fit to kill at his tormenter.

"Hmm... well, best to be absolutely positive. That didn't sound like your normal frustrated growl."

It didn't? Konzen frowned even harder as Tenpou came to stand before him again, a thoughtful crease between his green eyes. It sounded perfectly normal to him... then again, he didn't have any real medical training. Maybe he was sick, and just wasn't aware of it? No, he couldn't be... could he?

"Open your mouth, please, about an inch. I promise to make this as quick and thorough as possible."

He opened his mouth without really thinking about it, still mulling over the possibility that he might have actually caught something. His aunt had mentioned something not too long ago about... All thoughts stopped completely when Konzen suddenly found he had a mouthful of tongue. As in, not his own, but someone else's that stroked his and swept around his mouth in long, wet lines. He couldn't move, he couldn't think... Tenpou had his damn tongue in his mouth and practically down his throat.

WHAT THE HELL?

Everything was blanked out in that unexpected realization. He continued to stare with wide, startled eyes as the other man drew away after what could have been minutes of kissing his slack lips and picked up his clip board again, seemingly unphased by the event. He'd just been kissed. By a man. He'd just been... The thoughts were too fast and too unexpected for him to snap out of his surprised daze in time to react as the other man turned his back and began to walk away calmly.

"Everything felt normal. Thank you, have a nice afternoon," Tenpou called back with an airy wave.

Konzen finally blinked and closed his mouth when he realized it was still open. What... how... what... He shook his head and left the cluttered office. It was just a new throat exam. That was all. Just his throat being examined by a trained professional. He continued to repeat those reassuring thoughts all the way back to his own office.

* * *

"Kenren."

"Tenpou."

The two men walked side-by-side in the early morning light. Eyes followed them, round and vaguely curious, as they made their way to teh practice fields. Training was scheduled to begin within the next ten minutes. Tenpou adjusted his gloves, eyes drifting over to the man walking next to him with his head held proudly high and a little smirk on his lips. Kenren nodded a greeting every once in a while to people who knew, who answered with gaping jaws. "You seem to be in a good mood this morning."

Kenren shrugged and flashed a full out smile his way. "Sorry, just can't seem to get that image of Konzen out of my head."

Tenpou chuckled, letting his lungs fill with cigarette smoke before releasing it slowly. The official's expression truly had been priceless, a combination of wordless rage and stunned silence. He was in a very good mood himself because of that little incident, which was why he'd rolled himself the mango cigarettes to celebrate his winning the bet. Mango was such a lovely flavor... "Yes, he was rather surprised, wasn't he?"

"Hehe, that's one way of putting it. Nice touch with the new throat exam, by the way. Mind if I use it?"

"Be my guest, but I doubt any woman with a shred of common sense would ever believe you to be capable of performing a physical exam."

"Which is why ladies without a shred of common sense are the ones I take to bed."

"Ah."

They both paused before rounding the final corner out to where the soldiers were waiting. Tenpou finished his cigarette and ground the butt against the side of the building. Kenren bounced up and down on the balls of his feet, craning his neck from one side to the other as he relaxed his body. "Are you ready?" he asked the taller man, carefully keeping his face schooled into a polite expression.

Kenren gave him anothe leering grin before stepping around the corner... in nothing but his combat boots. Tenpou was right behind him, fighting a losing battle not to grin as the men all did double takes, jaws nearly hitting the grass. A few of them burst out laughing, some jokingly covering the eyes of the younger cadets.

"General! What happened to your clothes?" a commander from down the line demanded, clearly outraged.

A slow, wicked smile replaced the leer as Kenren pinned the man with his dark eyes. "You should ask your wife that, Liang Chan. I'm sure she could tell you _in detail_ what happened to them."

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Well... here's an update. Thanks to two people for suggesting this. Shinigami's Wrath wanted a group piece. Sorry Goku didn't get in, love, and sorry the concept changed and evolved from your initial suggestion. Thanks also to Greyliliy who wanted something written for Gaiden. I hope you both approve.

Secondly, near the beginning, Kenren mentions an ambassador's wife and caligraphy skills. I borrowed this from another fic I read. I wish I could remember who wrote it or what it was called so everyone could check it out, but it is easily one of the funniest fics I have ever read in my entire life. If anyone knows, please post it in a review so everyone else can read it, too.

Third and finally, I'm not really sure how much longer these one-shots will be updated. I'm sorta running out of plausible scenarios, and I don't want to make this real yaoi. Although... I might try posting some of that later on. So, thank you to everyone who's been reading these and enjoying them. I love knowing I'm not the only jolly perv out there! Also, thank you a million times over for 300+ reviews! WOOT! hugs everyone


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